Tuesday, December 28, 2010

i don't mind going anywhere, doing anything alone but when i feel lonely, it starts to hurt!


Monday, December 20, 2010

what's in a term?

I think I am a 'foodie'and I use the term loosely :o)

This week ...

This week will be a bit ... hectic? ruffled? chaotic? normal?

Normal ... with some tweaks.

What will this week have instore for me? Let me see ...

Monday - blue mood. Still at home. Don't feel like going to the 'office' but looking forward to having 'tea' (at 6pm? hehehe) with a friend.

Tuesday -  by hook or crook, I have to get into the office. Need to get a move on those fabrics.

Wednesday - SIL is arriving from KB later in the evening. Need to pack a bag for a sleep over or two.

Thursday - if confirmed, will be visiting a newborn, bring a friend to the 'showroom' and then back to KL. Maybe a late movie ... ?

Friday - on this special day, hubby will be on his annual leave and his BIL (my biras) will arrive from Karachi in the morning. I also need to get ready for Saturday's potluck. Need to sleep at home (not in KL) to cook.

Saturday - potluck at lunch, a wedding at night. Then back to SIL's house?

Sunday - so far, no plans!

Monday Blues ....

Monday's here again.

Am in a blue mood.

Tak sampai jejak ke pejabat hehehe

As they say ... malas tahap gaban? dewa? whatever!

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Ne-Yo - One In A Million

despite the video, i love the lyrics. i love you!

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Pasartani & short ribs

Mama's not well. Since they got back from Haj, they haven't had a good rest yet. Mama is just starting to get her jetlag and coming down with fever & flu.

Sunday is marketing day. Since she's not well, I volunteered to go.

If you ever want the best beef cut, you have to be there early. As far back as I can remember, I always follow my mama to pasartani before 7am.

So this morning I was there at 6.45am and the beef stall was just about to set up hehehe

Fillet 2 batang, keting 2 biji. Then I ordered for myself some short ribs. I have never bought any before and I wanted to try and cook it. I had a craving for grilled BBQ short beef ribs ... yum....!

Bought everything else that was on the list and sent to my parents' home. Abah's car is not in the garage - he's out to golf. Jenguk mama jap, kesian demam. I let her sleep.

By 8.15am I was at home again. Hubby's still asleep.

I have this urge to eat bbq ribs but I have never made it before. I don't even have a working oven! Hmm ... macamana ek?

Browsed through some recipes on the web and peeked into my fridge to see what I have on hand.

I have black pepper sauce, BBQ sauce, bawang merah, garlic, chilli & tomato sauce, carrots, 1 med yellow-skinned onion, cilipadi, some frozen chicken stock, butterhead salad & 3-grain bread.

So what did I do? Washed the ribs; made a sauce mix of black pepper, bbq & tomato sauces (put half aside); diced the onions; blended some cilipadi, shallots & garlic; & karate-chopped some carrots - all went into a pot with some water, chicken stock & ribs. Taste the mixture first before putting in the ribs.

1.5-2 hours later, the meat was soft & tender.

Then I heated the griddle with some olive oil, dipped the ribs in the remaining sauce mixture and grilled them on the hot griddle - to caramalised the ribs & carrots.

When done, served on a plate with fresh butterhead salad leaves & 2 slices of 3-grain bread.

My Thoughts

It was heaven, if I may say so myself! The camera wasn't working and hubby didn't want to wait any longer - hence, no pictures huhuhu

I am so proud with myself. I now have a new recipe. I plan to make this for my parents soon :o)

Lagi sedap dari dibeli di restaurant hehehe

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Selamat Menyambut Tahun Baru, Maal Hijrah 1432.

As we close our books with ALLAH's forgiveness, may we start new ones with ALLAH's blessings.

Friday, December 3, 2010

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Food Rules - An Eater's Manual

This is one of my best investment on books.

In a time where I always question the 'halal' & 'non-halal' of food in restaurants throughout Klang Valley; struggle with what to eat & not with regards to losing weight, balancing my hormones & being healthy, and how to go back to healthy basics when it comes to food & preparing them for my family - this book is an eye-opener.

Pollan's rules are a collection of wisdom from your great-grandmother & Mak Som, and food policies (from different cultures) to help simplify your eating life.

He made me realize how much my view of food had changed over the years and I find myself wanting to jump off the millennium wagon where people do not see food as a whole but based on scientific nutritional values which some I can't even pronounce, let alone understand or know what they are!

There are 64 rules for eating healthily & happily which are self-explanatory or accompanied by 1-2 short paragraphs of explanation.

Here are a few which I love and are definitely becoming my policies towards food:

#1 - Eat Food (nothing that comes through a window or in a box)

#2 - Don't eat anything your great-grandmother wouldn't recognize as food.

#19 - If it came from a plant, eat it; if it was made in a plant, don't.

#20 - It's not food if it arrived through the window of your car. (no McDs!)

#21 - It's not food if it's called by the same name in every language. (Think Big Mac, Cheetos or Pringles)

#23 - Treat meat as a flavoring or special occasion food.

#36 - Don't eat breakfast cereals that change the color of the milk.

#37 - The whiter the bread, the sooner you'll be dead.

#39 - Eat all the junk food you want as long as you cook it yourself.

#60 - Treat treats as treats.

#63 Cook.

It's just common sense. I welcome the reminder and InsyaAllah, I will put these rules into practice. I hope sharing this with you will also enlighten your life :o)

Bye-bye, wagon!

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Thursday, November 25, 2010

give me time to hurt, heal and move on.

i give up ...

a few months ago, Oprah was discussing with Suzanne Sommers on bio-identical hormone treatments. that caught my attention.

my infertility doctor asked the big question ... when to do the ivf? i took the plunge. let's try in december. 

then, my 'tukang urut' who is also a mid-wife, told me about a doctor who is treating patients with hormone problems. now i am interested.

i went to see the doctor. blood tests were done. consultations. ongoing massages.

progesterone very low, estrogen very high - hence, the prolonged menses & the D&C in January.

i was given progesterone cream to apply every night for a month. i have a week left to go.

slowly but surely i felt some changes.

i felt good inside. sunny, bubbly & happy. i slept well & better. less mood swings. skin looking better.

i started to yearn again ... which was nada for years!

could i? would it be possible? do we have a chance?

i started to hope again. i began to feel excited. i pray that He answers our prayers. hubby got excited too.

all this started early October until yesterday.


i called my 'tukang urut' to ask for tips on how to look after myself, just in case 'lekat'. who knows?

want to know what she said?

why don't you postpone the procedure? it's expensive and you're still on treatment. akak & doctor have been discussing and we think so ... bla bla bla

apparently, she & the doctor have been discussing my 'case'.

i was appalled! how dare they!

ok ... i know they meant well. i know they have my best interest at heart. but they crossed the line! they want to discuss about me, go ahead BUT I DO NOT WANT TO KNOW ABOUT IT! where the hell is the doctor-patient confidentiality? we are not friends! i am just seeking your professional service & treatment.

suggestions, advices, treatments ... i accept but telling me what you've discussed or gossiped about ...hell no!

for the 1st time in 8 weeks, i lost hope, confidence ... everything in having a baby again.

there is no smile on my face today ... just tears running down my cheeks as often as the conversation comes back to mind.

i know deep in my heart they meant well but they broke my heart too.

i believe Allah will give if He wants to despite my treatment whatsoever. they have no right to say when i will be ready. but now ... i don't think i'll ever be ready.

 sedih sangat2!

will i or won't i?

2010 is coming to an end.

about a month and a half away from my 38th birthday, 8 months away from our 13th anniversary ... then the whole cycle starts again.

for 12 years plus we've been trying to have a baby. we tried. i tried. if i could only tell you all the pain and joy we had through those years.

the 1st few years, we were very hopeful. i miscarried once back then.

somewhere in the middle ... we were heartbroken. we kept on trying but with less zeal ...

the last few years ... our faith were reignited by the presence of three handsome nephews. such gems!

about 2 months ago, our doctor asked the big question. when are you going to do the ivf? i was alone at this appointment and i just decided on a whim, december.

on the way home ... i was overwhelmed with emotions and questions. am i ready? are we ready? do i want to go thru the procedure? will it be ok? will i be able to endure the pain? will we have a healthy baby? so many more questions.

since then, there have been many 'discussions' regarding the procedure. i would tell him how i felt, all the frustrations i've been keeping, my concerns etc ... all on the table for him to understand and for me to feel better and move on.

thru my eyes, present emotional state ... i see my husband only as a donor. as of today, i know and he has expressed it several times, he wants to do the ivf. he wants a child but as he is so absorb in his work, he has not voiced out any concern or wonder about the procedure. he hasn't even bothered to ask how i felt or what i want. how do i tell him? thru our 'discussions' and the less civilised way - my outbursts.

in the last few weeks there have a few outbursts ... all of them mine. my concerns, my hopes & disappointments ... all on the table, on many tables! he listened, he seemed to be. i hope. but not much response or words of encouragement came from him. it's ok. that is how he is. a man of few words. a man who doesn't know what to say to comfort his wife. i know him very well.

but honestly, on most times, i feel like i am in this alone. in one of my outburst, out of frustration ... i said ... might as well you pack me up with a supply and post me to the doctor & ivf clinic!

was it fair for me to say so? NO! but i needed him and he wasn't there for me. [sad, disappointed, upset, alone, frustrated]

it turns out, he had a bad day. huh! he has bad days, every single day! this was my day. mine. be there for me as i have always been there for him.

after several outbursts and discussions, i find myself hoping again. excited with the possibilities of being a mother. i was looking forward, excited, but terrified of the procedure, and hopeful that our time has come to be parents.

but as of last night, i am not sure anymore if i want to go thru the procedure. i am heartbroken. i was so hopeful the last few weeks but now ... am not. i was a fool to believe that i could have a baby. i am a fool in hoping again. what happened in the last few weeks and yesterday, made me realise something.

somewhere in the middle towards the last few months, i had given up on ever having a baby. i know i told people i hadn't but actually i did. maybe i was in denial too. denying that i had given up.

but the last 2 months, several people managed to make me hope again. i was excited and hopeful again. i felt great. if only you could understand or imagine how i feel. i can only tell you that i was happy again. i have never felt that happy or hopeful in a long long time.

but yesterday, my hopes were all dashed & trampled on byt the same several people who pumped up my hopes. i hate you for doing this to me. i blog with tears and they haven't stopped since yesterday evening. i am very sad, unhopeful and angry. 

i am a fool for believing that i had a chance. i have hurt myself ... again ... by being hopeful. life was much easier when i had given up.now i hate myself even more!

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Here I come ...!

I am so excited! I won't be spending Raya Haji without hubby. I'm following him to Guangzhou, China! Yeay! He'll be away for conference but I am so excited to go. I don't know if I'll be brave enough to venture out alone but I will be contented just staying in, anyway :o)

No one's bringing their wives. I'm just tagging along hehehe

Better read up on the city.

China ... here I come!

Thursday, November 4, 2010

counting days ...

scared. excited. nervous. hopeful. definitely not calm!

craving for sweet drinks and food :o(

need to get a grip on things ... & issues before the big project begins.

date hasn't been confirmed but definitely next month. i'm freaking out!

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

as you sleep
i sit with my laptop
with the tv on

as you pull the blanket
the airconditioner & fan are still on
i'm left feeling the cold

as i type
memories of what we talked about
linger in my head

where do i start?
how can i ease your pain?
how can i help you make things better?

as i watch you sleep
i feel a tinge of sadness
and excitement

i am sad that things are gloomy
to say the least
for you

i worry
how you will face your adversity
but remember
i am always by your side

i hope things will get better
i hope your future will get brighter
i hope you will find your happiness
with me beside you

i am excited what the future holds for us
i am excited what's next Allah has instore for us
i am excited to still be with you
on this adventure we call
marriage & life
i am excited about us, still & forever!

as you sleep
i pray to Allah to ease your pain
i pray to Allah to ease your way
i pray to Allah to keep on loving you
and i pray to Allah for Him to remind you
He is always there for you

as you sleep
remember that i love you
i love you
i am here for you

sleep well my love
and wake up to live the life
that you want!

Saturday, October 23, 2010

2 weeks & couting down to end of 2010

i was quite surprised. it been 2 weeks already since i last blogged.

so ... what have i been up to?

nothing much and alot too!

where do i start?

my parents are busy getting ready for their Haj. i'm excited for them but i worry since my mother hasn't had her rest yet. she's been very busy and she needs her rest before her big trip.

had gastric & diarrhea since last friday but am feeling abit better now. since i was under the weather, i didn't feel like doing anything else but just keep quiet and rest ... yeah, right! those who know me would know that would be impossible!

yesterday, sis-inlaw arrived in KL with my mom-inlaw from karachi. they'll be going back to kb tomorrow. than, sil will come back on tuesday night and then fly back to karachi on thursday. busy busy busy!

then come the end of the month. then november. a doa selamat  (for my parents' Haj) to arrange & a birthday to set up (Aiman's 1st birthday). Tok Ma & Maklong would have to plan for it because Aiman's parents are ... Aiman's parents. i'll just leave it at that, ok.

after that will be my doctor's appointment. not just any appointment. this is THE appointment where we'll decide to proceed with our biggest quest ever. what is it? i'll keep you posted, insyaAllah.

then comes Raya Haji. hubby won't be around. he has to go to China. that means we won't be going back to kb either.  parents aren't around. my siblings will be busy by themselves. oh wait ... i have to entertain them since i am the eldest! oh well ....

hmm... this is the only month left for me to get some things done. come december i will be bedresting for how long i wouldn't know.

i have so many kain  to sell. i had a plan for a 'year-end sale' and now i don't know if i have the time or not!

plus ... if i want my friends to come over before december, this would be the time for it. but how? the house's a mess! me & my itchy hands for overhauling the whole house ... sheesh!

reading this entry is making me tired and it isn't midnight yet!

i can start something after my guests have left for kb. then stop again for 1 more day before sil flies back to karachi and pick up again from there. by then, 'hello november!'

ok sya ... keep breathing and tackle each at a time but move fast! time is not on your side.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Maher Zain in person!

a-haa moment at 11.40am 10.10.10

Channel 501 Awani: 2011 Budget Review (this very second)

Suhaimi Sulaiman anchoring the programme.

1st reaction: he's huge! he has gained so much weight. he must hate himself so much!

2nd reaction: oh, wait! that's me! i am like him. i hate myself too!

wow ... we're both fallen out of love with ourselves. we haven't been taking care of ourselves but our work, other people and our lives. self was excluded.

so what to do now?

love myself again. you can do it too, cik Mie!

Thursday, October 7, 2010

... .

... in a depression mode ...

what else is new?!


Thursday, September 30, 2010

i miss u

whenever he's away ... this is what happens.

i sleep later than usual;
i eat more than usual.

2 nights away is ok ... but four or more?

life gets pretty lonely.

i am not dependent on him but ... it is quiet when he's not around.

i miss him.

sometimes i wonder ... would life be different when he's away but i'm at home with kids?

maybe it would be different ... but maybe not much ... i dunno ... just guessing.

being childless, we need to be independent and yet dependent too ... especially for companionship.

i miss him ... his big heavy arms around me ... his dark-circled eyes peering sleepy at me before he gives his final salam ... his loud snore assuring me he's beside me ... did i say, i miss him?

come home safely, soon.

on the other hand ... when he's around for too long ... he gets on my nerves! hahaha

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

sad ...

a few days ago, ...

W: Abang nak keluar dah?
H: Hmm mm.
W: Balik for lunch?
H: Dak lah ... makan di KL kut. Pukul berapa diaorang nak datang?
W: 12.30 kut ... datang for lunch and then bagi duit kutu.
H: Hmm... (as he was walking out the door) ... ada anak2 sedara abang call ucapkan selamat hari raya? jemput open house?
W: errm ... F (cucu sedara) je sorang yg sms masa raya. Yang lain takde pun.
H: (terdiam sambil melangkah ke keretanya)
W: (juga terdiam)

Sya kesian sangat dgn orang ini. Teringat ajer, menitis airmata Sya. Sayu hati Sya. I wish I could take his pain away.

This is a man who has everything, can have anything and yet there is something missing from his life. Love and attention from his money-hungry, selfish, snobbish, stuck-up siblings, nephews & nieces! Whenever they need money, he's the one they turn to. I understand, how can he say no to his bloodline...? And I also know, he gives with his heart and all he's hoping for and wants is just some time, love & affection from them.

And yet ... nada!

I know he is envious of his wife. Her bloodline treats her well. They even treat her husband better! Yet the man yearns from his own blood too.

Is it so much to ask!?

I wish I could take his pain away ... I really do.


i was bored there and i am still bored here.

get a grip, sya!

Tuesday, September 28, 2010


i wonder ...

should i go back to my Masters? start & finish it this time?

should i start lecturing/teaching/training again ...?

hmm ... i've left those 'hats' lying somewhere underneath my piles of books.

should i?

Thursday, September 16, 2010

negative energy breeds only negative energy!

am so tired being in such a strong negative aura!

i can feel it eating me up ... engulfing me ... planting negative thoughts in my mind ... don't these people know what's going on??!!

so much sadness ... resentment ... love's dwindling in the wind ... the final straw? i hope not.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010


for eid, we're in Karachi with hubby's family.

no, hubby's not a Pakistani but his sister married one.

my MiL is also here. she's always here for fasting month for the last 6 years.

only my adik-ipar & family are in KB.

Pakistanis celebrated their eid a day later than us. they even started fasting a day later than us.

don't ask me why.

they have this habit of doing things differently than other people/nations.

we celebrated eid with Malaysia.

it was a lonely eid for me.

of course i love this family but i missed mine too.

i miss seeing my three nephews in their baju melayu.

i miss my parents.

i never cried much before but this year was different. i guess it comes with age ....?

it is not my 1st time here, nor it is not my 1st eid away from my family.

but it is the 1st time i really miss home during eid.

i cried buckets the whole day ... quietly.

it's our 7th day today ... 6 days to go home.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri
Maaf Zahir & Batin

dari Din & Sya

Saturday, September 4, 2010

every day is  a new beginning. the question is, when do you choose to begin?

~Jack Canfield~
i saw you
last november

then u left me
without an explanation

i asked
i seeked

you replied
everything's ok between us

yet silence
on able ears
on busy fingers
& running engines

10 months
down the road

no more anger
nor confusion

just hurt
and sorrow
keeping me company
whenever i see your updates

i pray you well & health

i pray for closure

i want to move on.

Friday, September 3, 2010

wide awake
still abit upset
but getting over it.

a yawn
to bed?
nah ... jap lagi.

another yawn
watery eyes
malasnya nak tido
(ada ke?!)

tengah tunggu ilham
ilham utk apa?
tido lerrr wei!

jap lagi lah!

on my FB wall

They say, true friends can go on long periods of time without speaking & never question the friendship. These types of friends pick up like they just spoke yesterday, regardless of how long it has been or how far away they live, and they don’t hold grudges. They understand that life is busy, but you will always love them. Re-post if you have at least one of these friends. I am privileged to say I do.


when the day comes
when i walk away from you
don't ask or look for me

when i am here for you
cherish the moment
you'll never know for how long i will be ...

when i ask
no silence should be present
for when i am silent
you will miss me

love me for who i am
as i you
we both do, don't we?

keep on feeling
all emotions
they connect us
for eternity!
geramnya on FB!

kalau boleh jentik ... memang nak jentik tinge org tu! nasib baik nak jentik je.. bukan nak ... whatever!

eeeeeeeeeeeiiiiiiiiieeeeeee!  bagi Kung-fu Panda  karang baru tau!

sabor je lah!

Thursday, September 2, 2010


hubby came home with a bag of raya gifts from their vendors & suppliers.

among the gifts was a paperbag with Wondermilk logo on it.

i went crazy for it!

several months ago i went thru a cupcake craze and wondermilk's cupcakes are the best! but when the craze has subsided ... their icing became too sweet for me. it was the icing and the decoration that i was crazy for, not the cupcake itself. sugar rush hehehe

now they have their own cookies that melts in your mouth.

and their cookies are the only ones my eyes don't puffed up.

in the paper bag were 2 containers. tiny ones which could only hold between 11-40pcs of cookies depending on the size. if i'm not mistaken, a container costs about rm7.

the ones he came home with are Chocolate Sandwich  &  Arabian Meltaways.

they melt easily once they touch my tongue ... such sweet bliss ....

mana metformin saya???

a dead dream

i had a dream a few nights ago and till today i keep thinking about it.

who was that woman in my dream?

whenever i remember the face ... my feelings and emotions keep me guessing ... was it me? was it someone i know? didn't know? who is she!?

i dreamt of a woman who had had alot of hardships in her life eversince she was small.

through her struggle & determination, she managed to build a life for herself but not without enemies lurking around.

as i dream, it felt like one moment it was about me and next it was someone else... like changing positions or characters. i just don't know how to explain this.

but what was odd was the ending.

that woman ... or me ... died.

in the end ... i was the one who found her dead. all tied up, gagged, put into a big canvas/plastic bag, tied to big heavy stones and left to drown in a pool of dark, murky water  (mcm dlm CSI).

i remember pulling her up & out of the water. ripping off the bag with my bare hands and finding her big & wide eyes staring back at me. dead ... terrified eyes. it felt as if i was looking at myself. i was dead. i was killed. murdered.

i remember that i started to cry. i sobbed so hard that i woke up shaking.

till this day ... i just can't forget her eyes. my eyes? i dunno ...

i seldom remember my dreams but this one is eerie & has me wondering for days.

a blue tinge ...

if i tell you the colour of my heart is pink
could you see the blue tinge on it?

why is there a blue tinge, you might ask.

that is the clour of my sadness.

just as a dark cloud hovers over the blue sky
threatening to pour rain ...

a blue tinge spreads across my heart
bringing sorrow and sadness
as the day ends

why am i sad, you might wonder.

that, my dear friend, i wonder too.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

how can i lose weight when i am craving for raya cookies, right now?

ate 5 cookies and my eyes puffed up!

i don't know what they put in them but i am afraid to eat any anymore.

there's something i'm allergic to in those cookies.

while blog hopping recipe blogs ... i found my fav cookie recipe!  Shortbread Marble!

go here for the recipe.

i just emailed the blogger, asking if i can make the base just like cheesecake base. i'm afraid to try shortening.

now ... let see if i am brave enough to make some for me to eat hehehe

i'm not a baker ... kalau suruh masak lauk ... that i can do!

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

help me, Jillian!

when you're letting your weight creep up & up ... it means you've given up on life and you've signed your death certificate way too early! - this is what i get from Jillian Micheals' programme Losing It With Jillian on Hallmark, although not in so many or exact words.

i do wonder ... how do we get this big? what have we let go that made us gave up on so many things?

i can't speak on my husband's behalf. he has to figure it out himself but i always remind him that i am here & there for him, always.

but who is here & there for me always?

i can't whine about that. why? because it just hit me. why should i want someone to be here & there for me when i am not here & there for myself?! i should be the 1st one here & there for me.

watching the programme has inspired me.

i remember when i was 12 years younger i was energetic & i was taking care of myself. i guess ... no, i know, when i got married, i handed over my life to my husband because i have a husband! that doesn't make sense, right? right! just because he is my husband, he is not responsible for my body or happiness ... that's my job, i am responsible for myself!

my weight begin to pile up because i was unhappy, not with him but myself but, being the coward that i am, i blamed my husband. his weight also increased and it's partly because of me :o(

i have to learn & relearn to be responsible for myself. i have to take care of myself. i can see the light but it's still in the distant. i hope to get closer to it.

i need help, i do but i have to help myself first! i have to start somewhere and that is now.

please sya ... focus!

note to self:
Jangan pandai cakap je Sya, buat le!

Monday, August 30, 2010

a good friend of mine, kak S, is still awake.

i'm still awake.

we're texting each other.

on FB too.

i miss our years in UM.

i wished we had completed our Masters.

terkubur kan kak? insyaAllah, bukan utk selamanya. kita akan bangkit kembali :o)

teringat pd Dr.Noraini & Dr. Mariani. apa dah nama Dr.TeddyBear tuh? hehehe

new 'toys'?

this whole week, i've been buying a few new 'toys' for my kitchen.

5 Pyrex bakewares: 2 deep flan bakeware (26cm) (from Parkson, SUbang Parade), 2 867ml oval bakeware bowl and 1 1.1L rectangular bakeware bowl (the last 3 items from Giant, they were at a special price!).

last but not least, my latest pride & joy, Zebra brand Vitalux Plus 28cm pot. great for stews and the likes! orang Kelantan suka periuk kuali dari brand Zebra, Buaya ... apa lagi ek? great for cooking.

now ... if i can only find the manual for 'my oven'. it's an in-built oven. my mom used to use it when she lived in this apartment but when she moved ... the manual sort of disappeared :o(

i've been looking high & low for it and i think it was thrown out by the maids during the move.

my (hand-me-down) Baby Belling is all rusty and i dare not bake anything in it. again ... it was my mom's and when she moved, saya yg dapat. i think the oven has been with us for about 20 years or shy of it.

latest emergency is my washing machine. yes, it came with the house. age is close to 5 years. i couldn't wash anything the whole of last week because it won't drain the water out.

yes, i've checked the tubes, the release valve (whateveryoucallit) ... drained out all the water and when i switch it on again ... it's not draining water again.

should i get a new toy? should i, should we ... abang? hehehe *wink, wink*

hmm ... can we afford it? we spent alot today. raya fever maybe? a new 2-seater sofa for our house (which will only arrive after raya which is ok because we'll be away during raya) and a queen-size bed for our studio apartment. we plan to rent it out once we get the CF. it's one of our best and long term investment, insyaAllah.

tapikan abang .... i think we do need a new washing machine ... puhleeeez .........

Friday, August 27, 2010

bread pudding

semalam terasa nak makan chocolate bread pudding. pergi 2-3 kedai, takde pulak Gradenia's chocolate & raisin bread. no bread pudding for berbuka semalam.

harini, pergi ke Subang Parade, nak beli roti & butter.

masuk Cold Storage and got stuck at the entrance, depan Sushi King.

Parkson buat sale Corning, Corelle & Pyrex. 40%!

aduh ... hovering, picking up and putting down the items ... hmmm  ... i don't have Corning's 5L casserole bowl  ... but i do have other brands at home, takyah lah.

but i do not have any Pyrex pie dish. so i bought 2 28cm-width deep pie dish and a 500ml measuring cup.

then i went to buy my bread & butter. yeay! they have Gardenia's chocolate & raisin bread.

now ... cari resipi ... method paling senang nak buat bread pudding.

hmm... chocolate bread pudding for berbuka ... yum! not only for me but for the whole family ... tonight, we're having guests too.

Thursday, August 26, 2010

i miss you ... i don't know why ... have u been thinking of me? have you? maybe not. i know you're busy with work. see you later when you come home.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Lift - Shannon Noll

every time i hear this song and watch the programme, i cry. i know how they feel, what they have gone thru before, during & after the programme, i know all the pain they have gone thru and i am also happy that they finally achieved their dream.

Proud - Heather Small

menu hari ini

menu berbuka:

berbuka: kurma & sirap
main dish: kwayteow goreng
kuih: poli ubi
dessert: buah2an - pisang berangan, jambu batu @ mangga lemak

nak makan simpleje hari ni ...
i need something to focus on ... no more thinking about babies.

my hormones have gone haywire already.

i need to be happy & accept things as they are. i am. it's the people around me that keep reminding me that it's not normal ... ****!

Sunday, August 22, 2010


yup ... babies.

today we went to Mothercare to buy a gift for a friend's new baby.

on the way out, we bumped into my cousin and his wife.

as we came closer to greet them ... i heard the wife saying ...

'eh, beg mothercare! beli apa? kan takde anak.'


this is the same person who said ... 'asyik dukung anak orang ajer, bila nak dukung anak sendiri?' 8 years ago.

how the h*** am i suppose to be ok about not having kids when others just won't let the issue go?

aaarrrgghhhhhh .... nasib baik bulan puasa ... jaga mulut ...

'oh, ni hadiah utk anak kawan ....'

my mood was affected the whole day ... i cried in the car ... kesian hubby ... he was speechless.

Friday, August 20, 2010

hari ni dlm kesakitan. angin seluruh badan. tak sendawa @ buang angin langsung kecuali lah masa diurut oleh bidan tadi. selepas berbuka ... sessi kumpul angin lagi! huhuhu

air halia & hotwater bottle mampu mengeluarkan satu sendawa aje ... badan sengal, perut kembung, dada senak ...

kalau tak baik esok ... ke doctorlah saya nanti .....

Thursday, August 19, 2010


it's not whether you forgive someone or not ...
but do you forgive yourself for forgiving that person? moving on?

now i get it.

Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. ~Suzanne Somers


it feels like the last three days has been going down hill eversince.

today woke up with a jabbing pain in my left abdomen.

as the day grew older, the pain worsens.

now, i can't even sit straight ....

when i lie down, i have to lie on a pillow to ease the discomfort and pain.

help will be coming on friday morning.

tukang urut @ bidan will be coming to ease my pain. she predicts it is angin.

another 33hrs to go :o(

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Ya Allah ....

Ya Allah Ya Tuhanku ....

Ya Allah ....

ampunilah dosaku.
bantulah hamba kerdilMu ini dalam memelihara imannya.

Ya Allah Yarabbi a'lamin.
i don't think i have insomnia but i find myself wide awake at night ... blogging, FBooking or watching cartoons, comedies, Fox or AXN channels.

i should be asleep.

my mind keeps tellimg me to go to bed ... but i don't.

to bed my dear flesh & soul.
i praise Allah for sending me you my love ....

i miss you.

see u in 2 days time.

it took me quite some time to realise the treasure that Allah has given me. forgive me. i'm yours for the rest of my life.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

an hour ago, i lost my temper    :o(

i shouldn't have but i did.

who got it?

my mother's maid.

she was asking for it and i had been patient long enough.

eversince she came back from her 1month break, she came back with a cocky attitude.

i had given her several light warnings but tonight she tested my patience and she got what she deserved. an earful of sisterly scolding!

honestly ... i don't feel so good or proud of myself right now. i know i could've handled it a lil bit better but i lost it.

all i can do now is hope for a better tomorrow.

maybe i'll stay away from the house a day or two. duk rumah mak lelama can be stressfull when you know you've left your own home unattended  walaupun seronok bila bersama dgn mama & abah.

nak balik ....
feeling bummed out ....

feeling abit unstable ... got to get things under control!

quick, sya!

sinusitus (?) flu

one sneeze during sahur ... i came down with flu today.

at first it was like a sinus attack ... byk sgt sambal belacan sya duk makan 2-3 hari ni.

then it got worse into a full-blown flu.

i sneezed and now i ache.

am so bored today.

7th day

pejam celik ... dah 7 hari ek ...?

so, have i lost some weight? gained?

takut nak check hehehe

abah sya naik 2kg just after 4 days of puasa ...and that happened to a man who exercises every day!

taknaklah check ... sah naik nya hehehe


ni lah dia.

kalau che abang takde. out of town.

mulalah sya takleh tido.


kalau duk rumah sendiri, boleh mengemas ...

duk rumah mak .... kemas mana yg dibenarkan ajer lah hehehe

hmm... if he ever goes 1st ... i'll have a big problem of sleeping then ....

Monday, August 16, 2010


Allah sungguh Maha Menyayangi.

i lost a 'good friend' recently.

no, she didn't passed away.

she dumped me. she has her reasons which i know none of.

we were best friends. on a usual day we were the best of friends and the next day, she just doesn't want to talk, reply my calls or textes, or see me.

i asked what have i done wrong, if i had done any ... she said none and yet i get the silent treatment.

even a blonde can figure it out. i was dumped.

sakit hati. sedih. rindu. marah. geram. bersalah (entah kenapa sya rasa bersalah, mcm lah ada buat silap tapi tak tahu apa dia. kalau ada, bgtahu lah kan?) hairan. kesian. kesal. all the emotions that i went thru and still do for the last 9months trying to figure out what went wrong and why i was treated as such.

i'm finally learning to let go. walk away.

Allah helped me.

this quotation also helped me:

Richard Templar: friendships change ~ there's no reason to feel guilty or resentful towards your friends when life takes you in different directions.

hilang seorang kawan ... ramai yg datang ... not to replace but to help me move on.

alhamdulillah. Sya bersyukur Allah menemukan Sya dgn kawan2 lama dlm FB and juga kawan2 baru :o)

i am moving on.

thank you for being my friend.

to J, i won't wait but i know one day the truth will come out.

my blogs

if i am not mistaken, i think there are only 6 people who know the existence of my new blog.

maybe i'll inform a few more but for now ... you are my only audience. i will soon hide this blog.

even hubby doesn't know my url but he now knows i've started blogging again. sorry, abang ... not for the time being. i know you're itching to know what i've written hehehe

why the secrecy? it's not really a secret. it's just personal.

this blog (right now) is abit more personal than my previous ones.

i am writing with me in mind and only for me to read. it's not a blog blog but a diary (for now).

to those i've let known, i'm letting you into my private thoughts, my insights, my emotions, my 'shindings' (?) or whatever that is going on in my life or thru my mind & heart.

i need focus. if i let many in, i'll start writing for an audience. right now, i am only writing for me. period.

i want to document what i remembered, felt or saw. my humiliations, my achievements ... my sorrow and happiness ... everything, insyaAllah.

i am sharing this with you  :o) and i do welcome you to read & to leave your comments if you want to.

thank you.

my signature!

now i know .... & now i have my own!  :o)

alhamdulillah ... learned a new thing tonight.

breaking the cycle

i think i've broken the cycle.

so far, i've ben eating what i want thru my mom's cooking. we make requests and she makes them. well ... not as straight forward as that. she'll make it if she agrees to it. she has the final say to the day's menu but we're free to add anything we want as long as it fits the menu.

well today i wanted baked pasta. i haven't made it for years and mom gave the green light.

the last time i made it was like 8 years ago. i've lost the recipe but i did browsed the net to get an idea of how to do it.

there are so many recipes - baked macaroni and baked pasta are two different recipes.

made it but forgot to take a pic of it. my youngest brother & family came to bteak fast with us. they said it as ok *phew!*

i think it turned out quite ok but it did need a lil more salt, an egg less and abit more curry powder.

other than that, i am one satisfied maam! puas hati dapat makan apa yg sya nak makan.

:o)   can you see me smile? hehehe

ok, back to breaking the cycle.

since i made what i wanted to eat, i ate less of what was on the table. not that i ate alot of what i made but it was like my famishness (is that a word?) reduced.

or is it because of pre-pms? hmm...
tetiba teringat 1st pi Umrah dgn hubby.

we went with my parents during the 1st week of fasting month. 2 of my aunts and a cousin came with us too.

we'd always break fast in the mosque. hubby would find a place for both of us to sit and break fast together. my parents break fast separately because they don't want to miss their praying space. my mom would break fast with my aunties, my dad with his nephew.

it was like a honeymoon for us then... romantic berbuka di masjid paling agung, Masjidil Haram.

but, thinking back about it right now. i guess we were abit selfish. too eager to be together when we had family with us.


a learning lesson for me ... now.

happiness can be and should be shared with others, especially with our parents.

life is short to spend it alone or just the 2 of us.

remember that!

Sunday, August 15, 2010

failed again ... masih menambah nasi masa berbuka huhuhu

5th day posa ... asyik makan je. ish ish ish ....

how to lose abit of weight mcm ni ...?

bersahur dirumah sendiri for the last 2 nights ... aik? just a pot of rice between us two and even that there's some more left. if we were at my parents, we'd be eating more!

Karachi, here we come!

Hubby finally made final bookings on our tickets. He called up MAS just to make an inquiry and just his luck, he managed to get cheaper tickets by RM1k!

We'll go over to the ticketing counter tomorrow to make payments and then we're set, Eid Mubarak in Karachi, Pakistan.

Why are we going there?

My sis-inlaw is married to a Pakistani. She has been living there for as long as I have been married and more. The last several years, my SiL will take her mom there to take care of her during fasting month. My MiL has diabetes and she needs someone to take care of her food & meds during this special month. Furthermore, my SiL & her family will always open their house for terawih for our Malaysian students & citizens who are living in Karachi. Mak mertua Sya dapat lah bersolat terawih. Kalau duk di kampung, dia tak dapat nak pergi ke madrasah.

We'll be there for about 11 days. I hope I do get to do some shopping  ....

rasanya sya akan rindu sangat2 family sya ... but i get it. kalau raya disini, hubby plak rindu family dia and he is always with my family. so to be fair, we're going to Karachi to be with his family. i'm gonna miss my nephews so much! Aiman & Qaed's 1st raya with us. huhuhu

Saturday, August 14, 2010

me, a cook? a wannabe one .. yes!

ada kawan kata sya pandai masak ....


kalau sya pandai masak ... takde la sya fobia nak masak!

nak tahu? jintan manis & jintan putih pun sya takleh nak bezakan tau!

tapi sya suka makan. sya suka ambik tahu ttg resipi lauk pauk @ hidangan yg sya makan.

setakat masak nak makan untuk hidup boleh la ... nak menjamu ... aishhh ... 10x fikir nak masak apa. siap panik ada ler.

sya jarang memasak. lagi2 la kalau ada weight problem.

doctor pernah nasihat sya jgn masak & makan byk sgt. ada ke?!

sya cakaplah ... doc, saya masak apa yg saya suka makan, tentulah sya akan makan ap yg saya masak ...!

whateverlah ... yg penting sya boleh masuk dapur, masak utk hubby & sya utk hidup. sya boleh juga masak utk family sya makan. nak menjamu & impress people ... takde la ... i'd have a panic attack 1st b4 i cook anything!
you know the saying  ... Practice makes perfect? i disagree.

i think ...

practice reduces mistakes & enhances competency and skill.

Friday, August 13, 2010

esok berbuka dirumah sendiri.

nak masak apa ek ...?

tepuk dada, tanya selera ... rasa macam nak makan kuih lapis. rasa macam nak makan asam pedas daging. tapi semuanya belum pasti. kena tanya suami gak ... apa dia nak utk berbuka.

apa lagi ek ...?
Alhamdulillah ... puasa hari ke-3 kami berbuka dengan makanan kegemaran sya - Nasi Kerabu & Lepat Pisang Emas.

Alhamdulillah, sya masih boleh berpuasa & berbuka bersama ibubapa sya.

Alhamdulillah, adik2 sya dah ada anak, abah mama sya dah ada cucu2.

Alhamdulillah, walau takde anak, suami sya masih sayang sya, setia & bersama. 12 years & hopefully going on stronger.

Alhamdulillah, walaupun tak kaya, masih ada hutang, sya dibenarkan suami tak bekerja, layan/jaga family sya & family dia, dapat buat business kecil2an, diizinkan mengajar part-time ... sebenarnya ... sya diizinkan utk bermalas ... hehehe ... alhamdulillah. bermalas utk kerja 9-5 je. kerja2 lain sya buat ... sape kata sya duk goyang kaki? alhamdulillah, tak!

come to think of it ... banyak lagi yg sya boleh bersyukur ... tapi setakat ni lah dulu.
sometimes ... always ... i see a pattern in what or how i write. i see the same in others too. it's just how we are. how our minds think, how our emotions reason things out and how we convey/portray ourselves to ourselves and others.

really ... this is my observation ... on me, not you.

sometimes ... most times, i realise i write or talk about pretty much about the same thing. me, my family, my hubby, my yearning to be a mother, to have a baby and how much i love to eat & cook. when i reread my entries i see that i whine most of the time. really. don't you wanna smack me? i do!

well, today will be a different entry.

an entry on gratitude.

it's something different. i hope i can do it.

but ... let me plan abit on it ... ok?

see you later with a new entry, Sya.

now pi solat terawih!

Thursday, August 12, 2010


alamak ... sya belum selesai lagi buat blogroll sya ...

He knows best and what is right for us, right... ?

ada lah hikmahNya kan kami takde anak?

we might never be this strong or together if we had children ... or maybe we might just break up after we have one ....? we'll never know or guess what could happen.

we (or maybe just me) should just keep trying and accept things positively.

sometimes ... it's just hard ... you know? just being there, in the middle of it and still now have any. so close yet so far ....

be calm my dear heart, no tears.

sya, bersyukurlah ada anak2 sedara. 3 handsome nephews! nasib baik & bersyukur adik2 sya ada rezeki utk ada anak & abah mama ada cucu utk dicurahkan kasih. takde gambar anak sendiri, ada gambar anak2 sedara pun jadilah ... Qaim, Aiman & Qaed kan kebanggaan & buah hati sya :o)

Ramadhan 2010

baru hari kedua ... rasa macam dah 10hari berpuasa!

1st day puasa ok ... tapi selepas terawih ... waduh, ngantuk sgt2! terus tido. penat sgt rupanya.

malam ni ok pulak ... badan dah terima keadaan kut.

hmm... niatnya nak lose a kilo or 2 if not more ... tapi dua hari ni ... pulun nasi ... adeh .... get a grip on things sya!

kena plan betui2 nih ....

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

raya di mana?

hmm... as i get older, i find myself getting more & more petrified of flying. most times i would fall asleep before taking off & landing. i think it is my survival mechanism kicking in. when i sleep, i don't know what's happening.

so what's flying got to do with raya?

hubby's been trying to get tickets to fly to Karachi for eid with his mother & sister.

i love going to Karachi, it's the flying that i dread :o(

sedap makan oooo ..... hehehe

tapi .... mana boleh shopping, kedai tutup :o(   i need to stock up on my cotton fabrics. aisehmannnn....

wokeh ... Karachi, here we come ... InsyaAllah, kalau dapat ticket yg affordable.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

nafsu makan nya pasal ...

3/4pot beras sedang dimasakkan ... nak dimakan dengan serunding daging yg baru dibawa balik dari kampung ....

lapar la ....
i learned an interesting cooking technique from my SiL.

it was her late aunt's way of cooking curry or any dish that requires coconut milk.

other than onions (grinded), she would ground the spices, shave the coconut & ground ciliboh and mixed all these together before the squeezes the coconut milk. therefore, the coconut milk becomes infused with all the spices & cili. after the last strain, she adds the grinded onions and cook on a small fire ... frequently stirring ... it's called, masak secara raja berangkat. cook on a small fire and make sure it doesn't boil up.

one of these days, i'll try this technique ....
pukul berapa nak tido ah ?

esok last day sebelum posa (bunyi mcmlah posa selamanya! isk ...)

nak makan apa ek?

teringin sangat nak makan nasi kerabu ...

nak buat? alahai ... remehnyaaaaa nak buat.
lupa lagi...

dah selasa dah. sya ingatkan hari ahad!

alamakkkk ....
7th August 2010
  • started our journey at 6pm, arrived at MiL's home at 2.30am (8th August).
  • revelation - too old for long distance driving! ngantuk giler sepanjang jalan! kesian hubby, he was really exhausted.

9th August 2010
  • sent MiL & SiL to the airport for their 9.15am flight to KL to Karachi.
  • went to my grand-dad's home at 11am. filled up our new car's boot with everything my mom needed for ramadhan ... you name it ... ubi keledek, ubi 'keling', kelapa, gula nissae, rambutan, buah dokong, serunding daging & ayam, budu 3 dozen dan macam2 lagi!
  • left Pasir Mas at 12.30pm and reached home at 8.45pm.
  • sakit ...sakit ... too old for these long distance driving.

  • after sending all the things to my parents' home, we went back to our home and what did we do? ngadap the idiot box & laptop!
  • gian! hahahaha
  • sad, ain't it? huhuhu

Friday, August 6, 2010

We're going home!

We're going back to KB tomorrow ... morning? afternoon? evening ....? Depends on what time hubby and sis-inlaw will wake up. Depends on what time I'll wake up too hehehe

SiL just arrived this morning from Karachi. She's running her errands around Klang Valley with her aunt. We met up for lunch just now.

Hubby will be home from Sarawak after 10pm. That is one dead tired man.

We're going home for 2 reasons.

One, for a wedding.

Two, taking my SiL home to her mother. She's taking my mother-inlaw to Karachi for fasting month & eid.

My MiL needs someone to take care of her during this special month because of her diabetes. I'd love to take care of her but she'd say our house is too close to her home (KL vs KB?) and she'd rather be in KB than in KL. So the solution is to take her far far away from her home ... hence, Karachi!

Hubby's mentioned it several times and I wonder if it'll come true ... eid in Karachi? woohooo! hehehe
am excited to see my friend's new & special signature for her entries in her blog.

i wonder how she did that ....

nak kena godek blogspot lah mcmni ....

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

meds ...

i think my new meds are making me emotional.

prof did say it's estrogen pills.

hmm... kembali 'wanita' kah saya?

haiiish ....

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

it's just one of those days .... sad.

Monday, August 2, 2010

called my ex-housemate today.

Ramadhan is just around the corner and i miss the old Uni days.

that's why i called her.

she sounded abit off. i guess i caught her at an awkward time.

as i tried to end the call quickly, trying not to take up much of her time ...

her last question made me sad.

'sya, bila lagi? ' bila lagi apa? 'bila lagi nak ada anak?'

terdiam sya.

ntah la, Z. takde rezeki....

Z knows for a fact i've had several miscarriages but the way she asked was as if i wasn't trying hard enough.

her question made me very sad.

i guess no one understands ... or knows .... anything about me.

Friday, July 30, 2010

a flattering memory?

a trip down memory lane.


speeding ticket.

PJ police station to pay summons.

office took money and asked for number.

a day later he called.

summon was reduced.

he also asked to meet up for a cup of coffee & return the money.

erm ... no, thank you.


who? skinny guy?


oh ... he thought my fiancee (ex) was my lil brother!


as amusing as it was ... it was also flattering!

Thursday, July 29, 2010

em bloating, doc!

went to hukm on monday to report in the latest development.

after a scan, prof decided to change my meds.

bye Provera, hello Duphaston!

right now, i feel like i'm a pregnant woman! i feel bloated and nauseous since after lunch. any smell from the kitchen just aggravates my senses into hyperdrive.

i'm confused. i had a good lunch with great company ... so why do i feel this way?

ah ... it's the meds!
not only that, i also noticed that i have been purging since tuesday which i thought was gastric or food-poisoning.

alright prof, get ready for my call tomorrow.

30Jul - nope, didn't call the prof ....

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

work is endless for my hubby.

everytime he has to travel, he'd always have to sleep late.


finish up whatever report that he has to emailor hand in by tonight or before he flies.

this time, he has to check his staffs' work.

it's nearly 2 and he has to wake up at 5.30 to get into his cab at 6.15 to catch a flight at klia at 8.20am!

here i am waiting for him. tak sampai hati nak tido sambil dia duk buat keje. tak tolong takpelah ... temankan je.

Saturday, July 24, 2010

hubby's away for the night. he went back to check on his mother.

why didn't i go back too? it's just for a night & the flight fare is very expensive.

furthermore, we'll be driving home in 2 weeks time for a kenduri.

i'm bored ....

ate early at 6pm. now i'm craving for something sweet. nak pi beli cake, malas nak tukar baju tido. so, what am i doing?

bubur kacang hijau ;o)

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

selamat jalan, kak Dalilah.

selamat kembali kpd yg Maha Esa, Pencipta kita.

semoga roh dicucuri rahmat & ditempatkan bersama umat2 yg soleh.

i'll be missing you.

Friday, July 16, 2010

Sindhi ...nehhi!

i made extra chicken sindhi last night.

then today made buttered raisin rice - twice.
1st one for my parents' lunch. 2nd was for two friends who were coming over for lunch.

we had a good lunch but enough of buttered rice & sindhi for me today. 2 days in a row is much enough!

i haven't done the dishes ... tired! jap lagi lah.

so, what to cook for dinner. my mind is telling me something soupy, clear soup ... bihun/mee/kwayteow soup maybe?

no noodles at home but pasta ... hmm ....

lemme think ....

Thursday, July 15, 2010

seronok hari ni.

made chicken sindhi & buttered pea rice for dinner.

tak cukup masin tapi sedap jugaklah.

hubby came home surprised to a special dinner.

i'm happy that he's happy altho he's dead tired and continued with his work after dinner.

kesiannya but at least perut kenyang.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010


cerdik adik ipar sya.

belajar baking & cooking from YouTube ajer.

jimat duit!

takpelah ... lain org lain cara mencari sumber, kan?

thank you for your bright idea, sis!

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

terasa macam self-exposed pulak bila upload our pictures dalam FB.

terasa macam ada yang dengki juga.

terasa macam ada yang menyampah juga.

takde niat nak menunjuk, cuma nak berkongsi keseronokan kami.

kalau ada yg anggap lain ... nak buat macamana. tak dapatlah saya nak menentukan apa yang terlintas dalam kepala masing2.

kalau boleh ... amanlah dunia ini!

Monday, July 12, 2010

note to self ~

  • count your blessings!

  • stop whining about what you don't have but be thankful & grateful about what you do have.

  • He knows best.
  • furthermore, people don't want to keep hearing you whine!
  • do something about it! life isn't static unless you made it so.
  • come on, get up!

am i?

i wonder ...

have i ever been a good friend?

a good daughter/daughter-inlaw?

a good wife?

a good sister/sibling?

a good person?

who am i to say that i am good?

i am only what i am by what my family & friends think of me.

a beautiful dream

i had a nice dream last night .... actually, it was this morning. after the game was over.

i woke up just in time to watch the World Cup during its extra 15 minutes. hubby's been watching since 2.30am.

so when we got back to bed, i had the dream.

i dreamt of being married to a guy who looks like Chef Micheal Smith. the man who was my husband in my dream lloked like CMS but in my heart, it felt like it was my actual hubby.

anyway ....

we were unhappy with our living arrangements. living in one of my parents home with hand-me-downs furniture etc.

we were unhappy. so one day we decided to be independent, no matter how hard it was going to be.

so, we bravely bought a smaller house, decorated it to our taste and lived happily, free of anybody's scrunity or stress!

and in that dream, i also became pregnant. the happy, healthy environment helped us to get pregnant!

when i woke up, i was still smiling. i loved the dream.

what was the message behind that dream?

change. decide. live our life the way we want it. hmm... can we?

i know one thing for sure. it might never be that way .... *sigh*
semalam ada kelas tajwid.

ustaz ajar ttg makhraj huruf2.

sya ni tak pernah khatam qur'an. dulu kuat main dari mengaji. sekarang baru nak belajar. alhamdulillah terbuka hati. syukur alhamdulillah.

ramai dlm kelas kami. ada ustaz & 13 pelajar tua.

semalam kami mula membetulkan bacaan Al-Fatihah & muka surat pertama Al-Baqarah. setiap sorang ikut giliran.

sebenarnya ustaz kata, pilihlah mana satu nak baca, bukan baca kedua2nya.

tapi since abah sya start dulu, dia pi baca dua2nya. dah semua org kena baca semua juga.

sya mana lah practice selama ni. Al-fatihah oklah. tapi Qur'an? sya panik. sya baca Al-Fatihah aje. malu tapi terpaksa.

lepas kelas tajwid, semua orang dah balik, tengah kemas pinggan2 & gelas2 makan minum ringan, mama pun bertanya ...

kenapa baca Fatihah aje?


sorry ma, sya tak confident nak baca tadi. sya dah agak dah mama nak tanya.

mama sya terdiam.

mama sya ni, samada heran sya tak baca or malu dgn tetamu anaknya tak tahu baca.


sorry to disappoint you, ma. sya baru nak start. please give me space.

sebenarnya sya tak boleh nak praktis mengaji dengan mama sya. stressed sangat!

2nd Cooking Class

i am still happy from yesterday's adventure!

i am so glad that abang agreed to follow me to my 2nd cooking class. mahal wooo but worth every sen!

i think he had a better time than i did hehehe

the chef adored him!

it was good seeing him trying new things. he does know how to cook but basic food and he hasn't cooked much since we got married. i remembered that he made nasi goreng once and that was about 10 years ago!

this time he made 'Lemon Chicken' & 'Parsley Buttered Rice'. he did a very good job!

we have never worked on a project together and this cooking class was our 1st. it was a blast! we had lots of fun :o) i think we both are looking forward to the next one :o)

Saturday, July 10, 2010

nightmares: yours or mine?

do we have a psychic connection or something?!

i dreamt of her last night. in my dream, she called me up. she was in a jovial mood, asking why i hadn't wish her on her birthday. in my dream, i was bewildered & confused. i wondered why was she calling me? after all this time when she had dumped me.

that was a weird dream!

even weirder is when i read on her fb that she had a nightmare last night! i guess she dreamt of me, i was her nightmare!

hubby laughed when i told him. he said we have unresolved issues, hence the nightmare.


Friday, July 9, 2010

buatan orang?

mama hasn't been well the last few days. she has been complaining about wind and pain in her abdomen. it seem to affect her back too. she's experiencing loss of breath, pain in her chest and fatigue.

i, on the other hand, have been in such an angry mood. marah sangat. the slightest unsatisfied feeling or memory crops up, i'll go into a terrible fit.

as i go crazy, a voice in me will be asking myself, why the hell & what the c*** is making me so pissed off??!

when i came by this evening. my dad told he that he's taking mama to Darul Syifa'.

suddenly everything made sense. no wonder i was so pissed off for no apparent reason. i was also unsympathetic towards my mom who was in pain.

it was thing again. gangguan manusia & iblis.

this is the 2nd time this had happened. whenever my mom gets sick, badly sick like this, i'd be angry & couldn't careless about her :o(

this is not me.

i am never like that to my mom but it does happened.

kata org tua, kena tempias buatan org.

*sigh* i hate it when this happens.

i hope my mom is ok. i hope para alim ulamak are able to help my parents & my family.


Thursday, July 8, 2010

a few nights ago, while in the car on our way to our anniversary dinner, i said to my husband ...

'i think i should re-do my masters or maybe learn something new. something i can do to fill my time. i think learning to sew would be great, kan?'

he kept quiet for a few seconds then said.

'takyah lah. buat apa? stress nak siapkan baju. baik buat yg sya suka.'


'cooking or baking?'

aiks? .... betul jugak kata hubby sya.

'ewah2 ... abang nak tunjuk abang dah kenal sya ye? abang tahu sya suka kan tentang masak2. amboi ....'

'he he he ... ye la abang tahu. dah 12 tahun kan?'

his words got me thinking and i think he is right. why not?

that was the push i needed to sign up for a cooking class at Bayan Indah Culinary Resort.

tomorrow's the big day! i hope all goes well :o) i know it will!


Bayan Indah Culinary Resort

tomorrow's the big day.

i signed up for a cooking class.

yes, i did!

i am so nervous. there will be no one that i know there. i'm sure many know their way well around the kitchen, except me.

looking at the calender, the one i can squeeze myself into would be 'Use Your Noodles'. we'll be learning to make several noodle dishes then have a sit-down lunch & that's the end of it.

i am really looking forward to learn new skills and tips from Chef Rohani Jelani.

if you're ever interested, go to http://www.bayanindah.com/.

UPDATE (9th July'10)

There were only four of us in the class and I was the youngest participant.

We made:
1. stir fried black pepper loh shi fun
2. penang char kway teow
3. cantonese kway teow
4. vietnamese noodle salad with grilled chicken
5. stir-fried glass noodles

I had a great time cooking in a big kicthen :o)

I've signed up for another class on Sunday. I'm dragging hubby along hehehe

The theme is Quick & Easy favs!

i'm excited!

am i being overlooked?

i am not a mother. not a parent either.

never have been and might never will be.

but i try.

i try to understand from my parents' point of view.

i try to understand the decisions they made and reasons they gave in any situation that came up in our discussions, even some which never did.

but sometimes i think ...

my parents can overlook certain issues.

they might overlook that i too have a life to live, a marriage to work on & a business/career to strenghten but being the eldest ... they expect me to be responsible, always be there. the ones who always get away are my brothers.

i tell you one thing i KNOW.

orang kelantan memang mua kan anak lelaki!

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

a mantra?

i've never had a mantra for myself before.

it has always been for the family.

'be there for them'
'be strong for them'
'do everything for them'
'take care of them'

but never ever for myself.

as i was reading Prevention's latest Weight Loss Success story ~ Sheri Harkness, she mentioned that she had a mantra ~ 'never give up'.

that got me thinking. i have never had a mantra for myself.

then it came to me. my mantra. now i have it but i will use it soon (wei, sya!).

so, what's my mantra?

take care of youself

learn to take good care of yourself sya, as good or even better than you take care of others. Allah knows you have people depending on you for life!
have will-power, will lose weight.

yeah ... now where did i put my will-power away to?

Sunday, July 4, 2010

12th Anniversary

tomorrow will be our 12th anniversary.

the last 2 days were spent being together. usually he is busy with work 24/7. i really appreciate it that he made an effort to be with me this whole weekend.

we've been going out to eat the whole 2 days, mostly at our fav places: Nasi Ayam Kampung Hassan (Sect 13, Shah Alam), Restaurant Rebung (Bangsar) & tonight, Meatworks at Solaris.

we also went test driving several cars - an activity we like doing whenever he is free on a weekend. yesterday was Nissan Sylphy. today was Hyundai Tuscon, Honda Freed & Toyota Altis Corolla. test drive je - berangan ... loan kereta belum habis bayar lagi hehehe

last but not least, we bought 2 of Maher Zain's cd for each of our cars. we're both smitten by his voice and the meaningful lyrics of his songs. we also bought Penawar Hati cd 3 & 4. i think these cds are the best way for him to de-stress when he's on his way back from work. berzikir, bernasyid & berdoa.

we also agreed to have a new 'Our Song'. the 1st one was by KC & Jojo - All My Life.

now, it is by Maher Zain - For the Rest of My Life.

Ya Allah, berkatilah hubungan kami di dunia & di akhirat. kami redha dengan rezeki kami, semoga dikekalkan & bertambah. makbulkanlah doa2 kami, Ya Allah. aminn.

Saturday, July 3, 2010



i'm hungry but am too lazy to cook tonight.

i wonder when hubby's gonna wake up from his nap.

got to wake him up ... i'm hungry.

jom keluar makan, abang. kena balik cepat. malam ni ada bola.

bangun la ...

are you a Gleek?


need i say more?

i think it is the best musical programme ever. most songs they sang are better than the originals.

i'm not a gleek but close enough.

their version of 'Hello', 'Beth' & 'Poker Face' are the best so far.

i've been told their album is out but i have yet to look for it & buy. youtube will suffice for now :o)

Friday, July 2, 2010

can't you see that i am bored?


feel good time

it feels good to be blogging again.

i think i lost my mojo for quite some time now.

somehow, i think this time around i'm more open to what i write. honest, insyaAllah.

but, this will depend on many things on how i'll write in the future. well ... whatever it is, i intend to have fun blogging again.

demam bola

hai ... che abang singgah kedai mamak nak tgk bola. katanya tak sempat nak balik.

oklah abang ... selamat menonton.

saya ni tgh melancholic, sayu, rindu, keseorangan ... menunggu abang balik.

nanti balik ye masa half time :oP

Maher Zain

i've been reading his name on fb quite often but never tried to find out much about him ... but that was before i heard his voice this morning.

i was at speedy's to buy dvds for my nephew and his album was being played. when i asked the sales girl who it was, then i fell in love with his voice (belum tgk rupa lagi hehehe). as a fellow blogger/fbooker comment, he is a hunk but i wasn't swayed by his looks. his voice and the lyrics were what touched my heart.

most of his songs brought tears to my eyes - it was his honesty in his songs. one song was like as if he was singing from my heart ... well, most of his songs. the whole album brought back all the emotions i felt when we were on our Haj, Allahuakbar!

these two songs affected me the most:

Thank you, Allah.

I was so far from you
Yet to me you were always so close
I wandered lost in the dark
I closed my eyes toward the signs
You put in my way
I walked everyday
Further and further away from you
Ooooo Allah, you brought me home
I thank You with every breath I take.

Alhamdulillah, Elhamdulillah
All praises to Allah, All praises to Allah
Alhamdulillah, Elhamdulillah
All praises to Allah, All praises to Allah.

I never thought about
All the things you have given to me
I never thanked you once
I was too proud to see the truth
And prostrate to you
Until I took the first step
And that’s when you opened the doors for me
Now Allah, I realized what I was missing
By being far from you.

Alhamdulillah, Elhamdulillah
All praises to Allah, All praises to Allah
Alhamdulillah, Elhamdulillah
All praises to Allah, All praises to Allah.

Allah, I wanna thank You
I wanna thank you for all the things that you’ve done
You’ve done for me through all my years I’ve been lost
You guided me from all the ways that were wrong
And did you give me hope

O Allah, I wanna thank you
I wanna thank You for all the things that you’ve done
You’ve done for me through all my years I’ve been lost
You guided me from all the ways that were wrong
I wanna thank You for bringing me home

Alhamdulillah, Elhamdulillah
All praises to Allah, All praises to Allah
Alhamdulillah, Elhamdulillah
All praises to Allah, All praises to Allah.

For the Rest of my Life

I praise Allah for sending me you my love
You found me home and sail with me
And I`m here with you
Now let me let you know
You`ve opened my heart
I was always thinking that love was wrong
But everything was changed when you came along
And theres a couple words I want to say

For the rest of my life
I`ll be with you
I`ll stay by your side honest and true
Till the end of my time
I`ll be loving you. loving you
For the rest of my life
Thru days and night
I`ll thank Allah for open my eyes
Now and forever I I`ll be there for you

I know that deep in my heart
I feel so blessed when I think of you
And I ask Allah to bless all we do
You`re my wife and my friend and my strength
And I pray we`re together eternally
Now I find myself so strong
Everything changed when you came along
And theres a couple word I want to say

For the rest of my life
I`ll be with you
I`ll stay by your side honest and true
Till the end of my time
I`ll be loving you. loving you
For the rest of my life
Thru days and night
I`ll thank Allah for open my eyes
Now and forever I I`ll be there for you

I know that deep in my heart now that you`re here
Infront of me I strongly feel love
And I have no doubt
And I`m singing loud that I`ll love you eternally

For the rest of my life
I`ll be with you
I`ll stay by your side honest and true
Till the end of my time
I`ll be loving you.loving you
For the rest of my life
Thru days and night
I`ll thank Allah for open my eyes
Now and forever I I`ll be there for you

I know that deep in my heart

Ya Allah, jika melalui lagu2 Maher inilah yg membantu Sya bertaubat, berkatilah usaha kami, Ya Allah.

Mama kata ...

1. kalau kita sayang mak kita, suami/isteri kita pun sayang mak dia. sayangilah mak dia seperti mak kita sendiri. tapi kalau dapat mertua yg susah untuk disayangi, banyaklah bersabar & layan baik kerana sayangkan suami.

2. ada kawan boleh datang setakat pagar aje, ada kawan boleh dibawak masuk ke dalam pagar tapi bukan dalam rumah, ada kawan yg boleh dibawa masuk ke dalam rumah. kepala sama warna tapi hati lain2. berhati2 bila berkawan.

moving on

my mother is a very indepedent woman. she does not need help or assistance unless she really needs it.

she taught me to be independent. to be comfortable to be alone. be brave to do things alone.

i do not find it intimidating to go to a movie or eating out at a posh restaurant alone. i like my own company.

i've been taught to feel comfortable with myself.

with that, i can honestly say, i seldom have one very best friend. i always have a few of very good friends and maybe 1 @ 2 who are abit closer than the rest.

in recent years, i've let someone to become sort of like a best friend.

we would call each other nearly every day, several times a day.

meet up at least once a week.

she would call me as early as 8am (hubby's not even off to work yet).

we became the bestest/closest of friends in the last 3-4 years ... than one day, she dumped me.

no warning, no words, no incidents that i can remember of what triggered it ... it just happened.

usually, she'll pick up my call or reply my text as soon as possible. but this time, she took her time. she didn't pick up & replied late.

at first i thought she wasn't well and i was worried.

after several attempts over several days, i had a gut feeling that she was angry with me but, WHY? what did i do?

i traced back our time together and can't find anything that i think can trigger this. what did i do? i asked that if i had hurt her, please tell me. i don't know what i have done to be treated this way.

i asked, i texted - and her reply was:

salam sya. we were at the movies. no worries la sya. its just that i dont feel like talking. banyak benda nak pikir. need some solitude.

at first i was ok with her reply. i said that once to her too. it was a difficult time for me and i couldn't talk, need some time alone. but i got back to her several hours after that.

with her, she became silent.

what could i do? i had to respect her wishes.

but as the days become weeks, i felt more confused. why is she shutting me out? what did i do to deserve this?

that was 6 months ago.

it still hurts. i am still upset, confused and lost.

i've asked and asked and she won't be honest with me.

alright. i have to move on.

it's painful because when u have a void in your heart, time & space where someone used to be most of the time. it feels like losing a part of you. yes, i was dumped.

i am moving on. i hope one day i will find out the truth.


she did texted me on my bday, asking me out but i had to decline. i was prepped up for a D&C then. there were several smses after that but nothing has changed.

i called, she didn't pick up. smses & emails were our mode of communication.

move on, sya. learn your lesson.

if i had hurt in any way, i would like to make an honest apology. but i'd need to know what i did wrong. i also know things would still be different.

but why is she making me feel guilty? did i really do something wrong? if i did, then tell me. best friends or any friends for that matter will hurt one another at one point of time. but best friends should be able to work it out, don't they? if parting ways was on the cards, both parties should at least know why.

i'm still in the dark and dumped.


i miss our time in UK.

we had a great time on that holiday. away from people we know. away from work pressures.

we walked alot. ride the bus alot.

we would have our tea at Marks & Spencer. a cup of mocha, a bottle of water, a set of scones & pikelets.

then a browse thru M&S' retail outlet.

actually, i miss him. we don't get to spend much time on a daily basis. he is so busy and i've made myself self-occupied too.

wish we were back in UK.

Thursday, July 1, 2010


it's half past 4 and i'm still wondering what to do next.

hubby's coming home late, as usual but, from a meeting-cum-dinner thingy, which is unusual.

so, no cooking tonight.

a movie? or two? on my own? i can but don't feel like spending time alone. with a friend? nah, not in a chatting mood. i would really want hubby to come with me but just my wishful thinking.

dinner with my parents? maybe.

then what?

go home alone. wait for him to come home as i busy myself with chores or just watch tv.

whatever i'll be doing, i'm pretty sure i'll be alone ... like the past 12 years.

hey, this is not a complaint. it's the truth. i've become very accustomed to it but ...

feelings are still there.

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

i'm bored.



when it's just between you & your hubby, there's no one else you would miss more (parents & siblings are a whole other issue). and hope he misses you as much too.

no kids to live for.

no kids to care for.

just the two of you.

how else to keep the sparks flying, more so the marriage going, if not giving all you've got for each other?

in the equation of getting things ongoing, there will always be a party who is adrift. this is when the other has to work hard to shake things up.

and ... i know sometimes my entries will bore you (and even me) when i'm not in the mood for mushy things but, this is just for my marriage. i need to keep it alive.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

i wish i was included. here i sit, across the table, feeling left-out. there they sit. mom & baby. grandparents with grandson. me? just a lonely aunt, sitting at the other end of the table.

i'm sad.
sometimes i think people just don't understand. maybe i'm just being paranoid or over sensitive. but then again, why would anyone believe what i say when i don't have what they have. what authority do i have in the area?


sometimes i feel like i just have to fight for my nephews' attention. i guess it's all my fault.

earlier on, it seem that my parents would have a hard time just to be with their grandchildren. so i made it a point to maximize their time together in anyway i can ... meaning, i don't try to maximise my time with my nephews. now, i get this feeling that i don't have any time with any of them. mcm tak bg je.

mcm taknak share je.

ye lah ... sape lah sya kan?

just a childless aunt who doesn't know much about babies.

sometimes, ... many times, i've asked hubby to run away with me. just be on our own. maybe with less stress, we can have a baby. maybe.

should we?
do you bake?

i don't but i wish i could. to me, baking is intimidating. i'm not confident when it comes to baking. cooking, i'm ok with it.

i have a very sweet tooth but since i've been diagnosed with diabetes ... there goes my dream of becoming a baker.

duuuush ... down the pipes!