Thursday, December 29, 2011

good bye 2011, welcome 2012

is it just me or do you think that 2011 has gone by just like an F1 car speeding away?

i vaguely remember what i did in january ... all is a blur. however, here i am, trying to remember what i can take away from 2011. let me see what i can find.

our baby year
not that we haven't been trying but this time we tried IVF and IUI again. all failed! well, ... i became allergic to the IVF fertility drugs. stopped halfway, so, failed lah! as excited as we were at the possibility of having one ... it was quite a stressful journey. i lived on a 2-week time frame for nearly 6 months! 2 weeks of jabs, 2 weeks waiting for +ve or -ve blood test results. when -ve, waited for period to come and end. then the whole cycle again. i also lost count of how many jabs i've had - meds, blood test & other tests too. it felt like i've out-jabbed myself in 6 months than in my life time hahaha .... now? everything stopped except our natural habits. no more drugs but supplements, yes. my mom is like supplying supplements like a pharmacy! as much as i appreciate it, my stress hasn't reduced one bit. she somehow knows when i am late and i don't even tell her my last period date! i wonder how she knows ... i'm still stressed out about having babies, help!

i have this urge to work again. is 7 years long enough? nah, right? we'll see how it goes ....

my lil hearts! i just adore my 3 nephews! love, love, love! ages between 2-4 years old.

McD to KFC
yes, a new job. him, not me. he's happier now. of course work related stress is normal but no more of those emotional stress. alhamdulillah he's happier. he made the right move at the right time.

fb has reconnected me with many long lost childhood friends. i am so happy to find them again.

the cherry for the year was my brother-inlaw's kidnapping. gone for 2 months but returned by the grace of Allah. alhamdulillah! we are thankful that he is alive, back with us & well. lives have changed because of his ordeal.

i noticed that my entries have become shorter. i used to write long ones. i guess it comes and goes with my mood. for now, everything is short & straight ... right?

i'll be updating this entry as memory serves me. i know i have more to write ... but what ah?

Monday, December 26, 2011

... if you would, i could too but, our mothers taught us better than that!


frust menonggeng ...

do people still say that?

anyway ...

sya yg frust menonggeng!

really upset sampai hilang mood nak buat kerja.

rasa macam nak 'whack the fella' with a rubber bat!


now, i wanna scream like Jillian Micheals ...!
hati panas sampai rasa sakit dada ... geramnyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

Sunday, December 25, 2011

what i learned today ...

it is important to know what wrong you have done & to whom. but more importantly, what do you do with that knowledge ... do you rectify it or let it be? either way, a permanent mark is etched into your soul.

Thursday, December 22, 2011

tengok tarikh, rasa mcam terjatuh kerusi!

esok 23hb! assignment due 3jan.

in 10 days (surely less), i have to come up with 2 2hr-modules.

this whole week i've been 'resting'.

i haven't been feeling well.

yeah, yeah ... i know. sounds like a lame excuse!

but honestly, i really wasn't feeling well.

esok, selepas tadarus, start buat assignment.

start esok!
sesedih hati, airmata bergelinangan
senyuman terukir pd yg mengubat luka, menghiburkan yg lara

satu perpisahan, insyaAllah banyak lagi pertemuan
yang pergi tak kembali, yang datang menyeri

duka lara hibur ketawa
semuanya dalam keredhaan Allah Maha Menyayangi
bila dikenang ...airmata berguguran
masih tertanya tapi tiada jawapan
bertubi bertanya, tidak diendahkan
diminta berbicara, bermaafan jika bersalah ... masih juga tidak diendahkan
jika masih belum bersedia ... saya sedia menunggu
jika masih bersahabat ... masih berpeluang utk bersama
jika tidak dimaafkan ... saya redha menerima
jika tidak dikehendaki lagi ... apakan daya saya membawa diri
ditinggalkan tanpa alasan, tanpa ucapan
telah berusaha tapi tidak berjaya ... tidak diberi peluang
walau dibuang ... masih menunggu kerna menyayangi ikatan.

Friday, December 16, 2011

assignment belum siap ...

i can hear a Jillian Micheals' scream-like scream in my head  .... !

i can do it!

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Sara Evans - A Little Bit Stronger

i'm in love with the apartment this video was shot in.
yg dari sana dah balik sini.

assignment due this saturday.

other than that ... busy with errands.

back to my assignment.

Thursday, December 8, 2011

can't we agree to disagree?

ok, so you disagree with my choices of music and what not.


i'm ok with that.

this is me, with you.


yes, agreed!
alahai hubby ... seronok sgt kut ...

pi conference di hanoi for 5D4N. both hp off sebab takut bil tinggi.

hmm ... last2, bini sendiri tak dpt nak call or text.

oklah ... have fun, deary!

:o(    rindu sorang2 rasa mcm timba mencari perigi plak ... isk isk!

One more time

can you feel that i miss you?

Richard Marx - This I Promise You (Acoustic)

where are you? :'(

Pakistan News

this is huge than what they had led us to believe but we understand the extremities & sensitivity of the situation. most importantly is that he is safe & back with us. but this does not end here. he is still in danger. Ya Allah, lindungilah ahli2 keluargaku. aminn.

News #1  Kidnapped: Industrialist Riaz Chinoy Found

KARACHI: At least three alleged members from a banned terrorist outfit were killed while two policemen were injured in a bid to recover an abducted industrialist from Korangi on Monday night.

Police officials said that the industrialist, Riaz Chinoy, had been recovered in an encounter which took place when Anti-Violent Crime Cell (AVCC) and Capital Police Liaison Committee (CPLC) conducted a raid in Allah Wala Town, Korangi.

AVCC chief Ghulam Subhani said that the men killed in the encounter were affiliated with the Tehreek-e-Taliban Punjab. He added that more people were involved in the abduction.

CPLC officials claim that the kidnappers were demanding Rs70 million in ransom. CPLC chief Ahmed Chinoy said that the negotiations started off at Rs70 million but were brought down to Rs20 million.

He added that the kidnappers had called the family to deliver the ransom money on Monday so they took it from there and carried out an encounter. According to Subhani, the kidnappers had hired a house to keep Chinoy in.

He said that they were looking for the estate agent.

Published in The Express Tribune, December 6th, 2011.

News #2  Three kidnappers killed, businessman Riaz Chinoy recoverd

Karachi : The AVCC police and citizen police liaison committee conducted a joint raid at the hideout of kidnappers in korangi on Monday night and recovered businessman Riaz Chinoy who was kidnapped on October 7 from quaidabad Karachi.

Three of the kidnappers were killed in encounter while Rome others escaped in the cover of firing. Two policemen also sustained injuries.

The kidnappers had demanded Rs 600 million as ransom for release of Riaz Chinoy.

The kidnappers belong to Punjabi talban and the cplc chief says phone calls for ransom were made from khost area of Afghanistan and miranshah of tribal areas.

News #3  Three Alleged Taliban Militants Killed in Karachi Encounter 
KARACHI: An industrialist, who was kidnapped in October, was safely recovered by personnel of the Anti-Violent Crime Cell (AVCC) and Citizen Police Liaison Committee (CPLC) from the Korangi industrial area.

Moreover, in the encounter, three militants, who were said to be activists of the banned Tehreek-i-Taliban Pakistan (TTP), including the Ameer of the ‘Punjabi’ Taliban group in the city, were killed.

The police had also recovered arms and ammunition, explosives weighing about 20 kilogrammes and a bomb-fitted motorcycle. The investigators claimed that the terrorists might have wanted to launch an attack on an Ashura procession.

SP Ghulam Subhani of the AVCC said that on October 8 industrialist Riaz Chinoy was heading towards his house situated in Phase-II, DHA, with his driver. When he reached the Quaidabad area, armed men driving a GLI car and two riding a motorcycle intercepted him.

They kidnapped him in the car and fled. Afterwards, the family had received a ransom call of Rs50 crore and the kidnappers had also hurled threats against the family. Afterwards, a complaint was lodged at the police station for kidnapping for ransom.

Moreover, teams were formed under the supervision of SP Subhani of the AVCC and CPLC Chief Ahmed Chinoy. During the investigation and negotiation period, the investigators had tried to lower the ransom amount and they were receiving calls from the kidnappers from different numbers. The investigators said that some eight to nine days earlier, they had also received a call for ransom from Waziristan upon which it was also found that the call was a conference call.

They said that during the course of the investigation, an informer revealed that the kidnappers were present in Karachi with the abducted Riaz Chinoy, who is also the owner of the IIL pipe factory and Pakistan Cables, and were hiding in an 80-yard two-storey house situated in KDA Society’s Allahwala Town in Korangi.

Acting on a tip-off, the police team of the AVCC with the coordination of the CPLC had moved to the spot. They added that when police vans had encircled the prescribed spot, on seeing the police mobiles the terrorists had opened fire which was retaliated by the police and an encounter ensued during which two policemen PC Ghaffar Abbasi and PC Rafiq Baloch got injured and were immediately moved to a hospital.

The encounter lasted for more than 40 minutes and the police managed to arrest three suspected terrorists in an injured condition, while their companions escaped under the cover of fire. The police had shifted the injured terrorists to the hospital but on their way they succumbed to their injuries.

During the search of the hideout, the police had safely recovered the abducted industrialist Riaz Chinoy. They also recovered five pistols, two laptops, three cellphones, a pressure cooker in which nine hand-grenades were hidden. The police had also found a bomb-fitted motorcycle.

The investigators said that during the search of another room, the police had recovered bags containing explosive material weighing about 20 kilogrammes, detonating cord, wires and other objects.

The police had seized the items and also arrested the owner of the house of the militants, who is identified as Ameer Khan. They shifted the recovered items and abducted industrialist Chinoy to the investigation unit and also the accused owner of the building, Ameer Khan.

Ameer Khan during questioning told the police that he hailed from Bannu and had rented out the house to the militants some 40 days ago. During the investigation, the killed terrorists were identified as Qari Amir, an Ameer of the Punjabi Taliban from Karachi, Shahid Khan and Musa Khan.

Regarding the recovery of an explosives-laden motorcycle, the investigators said that the terrorists might have had a plan to strike during Ashura day. Meanwhile, the Sindh home minister announced a cash reward for the raiding party.

News #4  Kidnapped industrialist freed, captors slain
KARACHI, Dec 5: Three suspected militants were killed in a shootout with police in Korangi area here on Monday, leading to recovery of an industrialist kidnapped about two months ago for Rs600 million in ransom, officials said. A large quantity of explosives and weapons was seized in the operation.

Riaz T. Chinoy, the chief of a leading steel pipes and tubes manufacturing company, was kidnapped on Oct 7 from Landhi area by some half a dozen armed men.

The investigators said it took almost two months to trace the hideout of the kidnappers as the family was receiving phone calls for ransom from the tribal areas and Afghanistan.

“Police raided a rented house in Allahwala Town in Korangi after tracking down their (kidnappers’) location,” said Ahmed Chinoy, the Citizen-Police Liaison Committee chief who assisted the police investigation.

“As the policemen closed in, they came under gunfire that triggered heavy firing from both sides. It lasted more than an hour and finally police took over the control of the situation and three kidnappers were killed in the shootout. We also recovered Mr Chinoy safe and sound.”

Police officials suspected that the number of kidnappers was higher and some of them escaped amid the shootout taking advantage of darkness in the area.

But they were convinced about the background and association of the kidnappers.

“They are definitely militants associated with some banned outfits,” said Ghulam Subhani of Police’s Anti-Violent Crime Cell referring to arms and explosives recovered from the hideout.

“We have not counted them yet but a large number of grenades have been recovered from the home. Similarly, we have also seized bags of explosives and every component that is used for making bombs.”

He said that police were already convinced that the industrialist was kidnapped by the militants after the investigators looked into the records of phone numbers being used to call the victim’s family for ransom demand.

(ALL unedited)

Pixie Lott - What Do You Take Me For? ft. Pusha T

this, somehow, reminds me of 'old-school' music. sambil buat assignment memalam buta ni ....

Wednesday, December 7, 2011


assignment belum siaaaaap!

malam ni kena pulun. esok bwk mak lawat orang sakit. lusa family sampai. tulat dah kelas.

ok! back to work!


p/s: i miss my bedmate, who's in hanoi till friday  :o(

this is what most wives want ... well, at least it's what i want & need.

copied this from Maria Bina Rahayu on FB. i didn't ask for her permission but i hope she doesn't mind because i am being honest about where i got this from.
i try so hard not to judge anyone base of face value or just what i know about that person.

alot goes into whatever decisions one makes especially pertaining to relationships.

i try not to say or think anything about it unless i have walked & lived in that person's shoes.

altho, i admit, sometimes the devil does get the better of me (ooh the temptation!) but no more, insyaAllah!

thinking back ...

where we are now is because of where we have been and, no one knows more what had happened than the two of us.

hence, the same for others.

so, i leave my opinions at the door, ok?

dying skills

... dead, more like it.

the skills of wooing & being wooed.


Tuesday, December 6, 2011

... coming to an end.

it's that time again ... ending one calender year, ushering the next.

a friend started a good ritual a few years back. he challenged us to write our 'take-aways' for the ending year. since then, insyaAllah there'll be an entry on it.

what an eventful year and so much to write! i need time to sort it out and will post it soon. these special entries are mostly for me to remember and cherish those memories.

thank you, En.Ariffin Mamat aka Pak Pin for starting it :)

rahmat 10 Muharram

syukur alhamdulillah!

rezeki & rahmat pd 10 Muharram dari Allah yg Maha Besar, Maha Mengetahui, Maha Penyayang!

biras sya telah diselamatkan! polis dpt tahu dia dimana. seminggu polis mengekor org jahat. all shot dead!

he lost 15kg, grew a beard n had his wrists tied & legs shackled :( what torture!

yg penting dia selamat, tak cedera & dah balik.

syukur alhamdulillah!

Monday, December 5, 2011

to read ...

OneRepublic - Good Life

i feel good & happy when i hear this song on air :)
i've always wondered when or why i started doubting my abilities.

the idea of preparing for class makes me depressed.

i stopped teaching the last 4 years but oddly, i lately crave for it. hence, the course i am doing now.

i find my interest increasing, my passion igniting and my fear diminishing.

i told DJ about my problem and i found peace in his explanation of what he thought happened to me.

'it's normal. there are times our momentum slows down. something happened to you that made it that way. but what's important is that you're back. you want to come back. focus on that. you can do it!'

i called it a 'burn-out' but his explanation does help me too.

i am at ease and i feel calm. there is anxiety but i am overcoming it.

reigniting, rediscovering  my passion ... am so excited!


Friday, December 2, 2011

takde penyakit ...

... pi cari penyakit!


open up your locked mind, sya! you need whatever's inside it to complete your assignment.

hu hu hu ....

dah lama tak buat assignment :(

Wednesday, November 30, 2011


feeling good.

amazing how much a positive comment, a nice compliment could put so much spring into somewone's walk.

Monday, November 28, 2011

feeling abit blue

ear infection ... again (2nd time this year).

bro-inlaw still missing.

just feeling so.

no other reason, i think.

yup, none.

just feeling so.

sedetik lebih ~ annuar zain

Ketulusan Hati-Anuar Zain (Astro Oasis)

Mungkin - Anuar Zain

Saturday, November 26, 2011

salam maal hijrah
buat semua muslimin & musliman

semoga ibadah tahun lepas diterima
ibadah ditahun baru diberkati


Friday, November 25, 2011

hmmm ...

maybe i should stop wanting things ... wanting a baby, a bigger kitchen (not a bigger house, mind u), a bigger car (i want a Fiat Multipla... right?), a career (working on that) and ... what else? a skinny body, u say? nope, don't want THAT but i do want a slimmer & healthy body (forever working on that).

i'm not like anyone. i know myself and i am a working progress.


astaghafirullah ... bila baca balik entry ini, baru sedar ... ini semua kehendak duniawi. syukur alhamdulillah Allah beri sya peluang menyedari semua ini.

ubah niat.

sya redha kami tiada rezeki utk mendapat anak. sya redha kami belum dpt izin Allah utk mendpt pinjamanNya yakni seorang anak. sya redha hati kami belum terbuka sepenuhnya utk mengambil anak angkat. semua ini ada hikmahNya. Ya Allah, tenangkanlah hati hambaMu ini.

sya bersyukur utk pedoman2 yg diberiNya utk sya memperbaiki diri sya utk akhirah.  alhamdulillah.

Thursday, November 24, 2011

tetiba tergerak hati ... mampukah kami? not only money wise but raising one ...?

will i ever be ready? will we?

in between ...

can't sleep because i'm not sleepy. can't study because i'm sleepy.

so which part of me is unable to decide?!

... berapa lama boleh tahan agaknya ... :P

Monday, November 21, 2011

some people are sooooooooooooo immature!

Ya Allah, let me not be one. aminn ... unless there's a learning.

no, i will not think unhappy thoughts tonight & forever.

be gone unhappy thoughts!

i want to smile.

i have so much to be thankful for  :-) alhamdulillah for all that i have with me right now.


Saturday, November 19, 2011

1st day

everything went well ... almost ... there were times i nearly dozed off. maybe it was because of the food they served. next class, i have to lay off the goodies. need to focus on the lesson.

it was good to refresh my memory ... looking forward to the next class next saturday.


for now, baca hand-outs for the next session.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

latest pics


cracking my mind open

it's been awhile since i've read books like these.

just started on this one ... slowly. apparently, it takes awhile for my brain to take it all in. *sigh* age factor?

next will be this one.

what are they for? brushing up on my old, old skills ....

a step at a time ... yeah?

latest news

the police have a lead where he might be. they're planning for a search & rescue mission. if it is true, may Allah keep him safe & bring him home safely.

aminn aminn yarabbal'alaminn.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

this morning ...

at the sink in my bathroom, brushing my teeth.

why the hell do i need anyone to validate how good i am at doing things?!  i know i can. i validate me self!


Oprah talking to me in my head!

yeah ...!

Monday, November 14, 2011

door to the rat race?

i've been comtemplating whether to join the rat race again or not.

i feel like i want to work again. i want to work again. i miss teaching, connecting with students. i've left the rat race 7 years ago but only stopped the last 4 years. feels like a life time ... i don't know where to start!

should i take up a course, this would take up some serious $$ ... should i just jump right in and apply for a teaching job? the most sensible idea.

i have so many questions. fears & doubts.

where or how do i start? hmm...

Sunday, November 13, 2011

decisions ...


dari buat Cert., baik buat Masters, kan?


Saturday, November 12, 2011

i walked the walk! woohooo!

nasi dagang.

that was what i craved for at 4am a few nights ago. scanning thru my unkept recipe collection, i found a few pieces of scribbled papers with the recipe on it.

i had to read thru and decipher/adjust the ingredients & the amounts that i need to make nasi dagang only for the two of us. my mom's recipe is for 20pax and above.

i can u tell by heart, how to make it because i've been my mom's assistant in the kitchen most of my life. i've 'made' it only twice so far and both times with my mom & mom-inlaw. you know lah kan ... at one point, they took over the cooking process.

well this time i am going to walk the walk. i was going to make my 1st nasi dagang. curries are easy & the acar too.

my delicious creation!

for a 1st timer, i'd say it turned out quite well altho there is a lot of room for improvement :-D

the recipe? that i have to give another day because it'll take alot of time to explain my mom's recipe. after making it, i'd say it was easy but the prep is tedious!

Friday, November 11, 2011

2 mugs of coffee ago ...

still wide awake at 3.30am and hungry because i've been browsing recipe books :D

hmm ... what to cook for tomorrow?

Thursday, November 10, 2011

sudden boredom sets in ...

volumes of disappointment ...

giving up? yes, for tonight.

hoping for a better tomorrow.

i need caffiene, got some already but not enough!



Lady Antebellum - Just A Kiss

wahai si penghutang ....

kenapa si pemiutang rasa bersalah apabila dia nak mintak hutang dibayar?

kenapa si penghutang berani memarahi si pemiutang apabila hutang diminta dibayar?

kenapa si penghutang tak rasa bersalah?

kenapa si pemiutang pula yg rasa nak mintak maaf atau berterima kasih kpd si penghutang apabila hutang telah dijelaskan?

pening, pening ...

i'm not saying it's easy to pay someone back (sya pun ada hutang orang lain) but it would be better if some communication happens between both party, especially if it is between friends or relatives. that's all i'm saying.

Killing Me Softly Fugees Official Video HD

you're right, my life is so connected with songs.

since i was in school, i remember dubbing songs on cassettes. those were the days!

whatever phase i was going thru, all saved (dubbed). now, i just go to youtube and upload them here. certain songs would bring back certain memories. luahan perasaan? maybe.

but actually, tak reti nak copy/burn pada cd  hehehe

another friend once commented that i read the same genre of books on life, relationships, communication, self-help, diets & health, marriage & management. she got me thinking. what i read has helped me with whatever issues i faced in life, just like the songs; other than the obvious resources.

thank you for pointing it out to me. i didn't really realise it until now. it's good to discover something about me.

Tom Peters

i just bought this book and i am in awe of Tom Peters!

yes, adel, i bought another book :)

come to think of it ... i think i am a book hoarder but i'd rather think that i am a 'wisdom seeker'   ;)   it has a positive vibe to it, doesn't it?

any comments, adel? hehehe
just because you miss someone, it doesn't mean they belong in your life ~ darlifa darliz (fb 8 nov 2011)


orang tua kata, kalau mimpi seseorang tanpa bertutur, ia mimipi benar ... kalau ada yg bercakap, mimpi itu gangguan syaitan.

betul ke?

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

i need time!

sooooo many books to read, so lil time :(

got to organize my time.

get with it, sya!


the new year is just around the corner. time flies by at supersonic speed.

i've been restless the last few months. 2012 is my come back year (?).

i've yet to finalise anything but i hoping for some positive changes, especially for myself, my future.

insyaAllah, i will tell you ... maybe.

am i?

2 men have told that i am smart.

honestly, i couldn't believe what i heard. i never saw myself as such altho i know i have acted like a smart a** a couple of times (uncountable!) hehehe ... that's a different story tau!

i guess i never give much credit to myself .... that's a thought!

Saturday, November 5, 2011

selamat menyambut hari raya aidiladha. sya mintak maaf jika ada tersinggung @ terkecil hati dengan blog sya ni. semoga raya diraikan dgn meriah bersama family tersayang :)

esok balik kb :) looking fwd to the long drive, our quality time :)

Guardian's of each other's solitude

the point of marriage is not to create a quick commonality by tearing down all boundaries; on the contrary, a good marriage is one of which each partner appoints the other to be the guardian of his solitude, and thus they show each other the greatest possible trust.
a merging of two people is an impossibility, and where it seems to exist, it is a hemming-in, a mutual consent that robs one party or both parties of their fullest freedom and development.
but once the realization is accepted that even between the closest people infinite distance exists, a marvelous living side-by-side can grow up for them, if they succeed in loving the expanse between them, which gives them the possibility of always seeing each other as a whole and before an immense sky.


Once the realization is accepted that even between the closest human beings infinite distances continue, a wonderful living side by side can grow, if they succeed in loving the distance between them which makes it possible for each to see the other whole against the sky.

by Rainer Maria Rilke

Friday, November 4, 2011

quotable quotes

you grow up the day you have the first real laugh - at yourself. (Ethel Barrymore)

if you don't have enemies, you don't have character. (Paul Newman)

at the Sharper Image store , i saw a body fat analyzer. didn't that used to be called a mirror? (Jay Leno)

the way i see it, if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain. (Dolly Parton)

Bruno Mars - All She Knows (HQ)+Lyrics

Bruno Mars - Talking to the moon

sorry ye kalau sya nampak beriya sgt. i know, it can be a buzz killer. i'm just too excited. that's all.


panas hati #2

this is the 2nd time i've ordered, paid and left my slice of cake at the counter in disgust.


because of their disservice to me.

1st incident: the knife used to cut my cake was wiped by a very wet & dirty looking rag. i pointed this out and the kid just ignored me. unfortunately, i paid 1st before the cake was cut. feeling icky and upset, i told them i will not eat that cake & just walked out of the shop. kalau makan juga, memang takleh nak telan ....

that was months ago.

i knew but i hope it would be different this time but, nooooooo.

after i paid for my slice of cake, it was packed and handed to me but the whole plastic bag was wet! i asked why and requested for a new bag. the kid (who cut the cake & packed it) looked incredulously at me and started taking a new bag but with unnecessary force and grunt. offended & disgusted (again), i lost my appetite and left the cake (again) at the counter.

rugi duit, rugi cake tapi hati sya dah tak panas. better that way!

panas hati

panas je hati hari ni ...

when i tell u that i understand yr situation, please believe me. and i have been doing so for the last 8 months ... something is not right with the situation or somebody!

i've been patient & courteous enough and now, not so much! if u feel upset, maybe u should but not with me. with yourself for taking my tolerance & patience too lightly!

so ... can u pls make things right as soon aa possible? thank you!

Thursday, November 3, 2011

i am ...

'a seeker of wisdom' ~ Laura Munson (This is not the Story you think it is).

her words echoes in my heart & mind.

26 days

just a few days shy from a month of his abduction. we've been praying & hoping that he will be freed this eid. all of us want nothing more than his safe return to his beloved family.

this is so heart wrenching and i do feel sad & guilty that life goes on for us here in malaysia while my sil & family are still waiting in agony for him to come home.

i wish with all my heart that we could find & bring him home .... but all we could do is keep on praying & hoping, itulah usaha & senjata kami sbg org islam.

ya Allah, bukakanlah hati mereka utk melepaskan dia & dihantar pulang. aminn.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

what's next?

i resigned from my lecturing post 7 years ago. i freelanced for a couple of years. took care of my parents in their time of need. married off my two brothers (well actually helped my parents) & my lil brother-inlaw.

i've focused on my 'cotton business', nearly but failed to complete my masters, developed a few skills, lost count of my IUIs (& failed), had D&Cs (loat count), also failed an IVF attempt, went if several diets and ... what's next for me?

i feel that i've been here for my family for the last seven years. i am satisfied but now i need something else.

Pilgrims flock to Mecca to perform annual haj

Ya Allah ... sya rindu sangat untuk kembali ke Tanah SuciMu.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011


wishful thinking
on a
Tuesday night ...

i wish i had money to burn.

what would you do if you had money to burn?

Monday, October 31, 2011

too long ...

as i switched off the lights ... get into bed & under the covers, we discussed about our family crisis.

the longer we wait for his return, the more despair we feel. according to sil, the police are giving the case a 3 month window. if ... i don't want to think about the 'if'!

ya Allah, please keep him safe. please bring him home safe & sound. aminn.

insyaAllah we're going after raya. i want to go but at the same time i am worried for our safety. the country is going thru some bad political turmoil. i just hope that we are safe throughout our journey.

sidai anak2

tahu tak mcmana orang dulu2 sihat anak2 dia. bukan anak betul ... tapi anak pakaian. bukan pakaian anak. iisshhh .... baju & seluar dalam lah! zaman sekarang, kita boleh tahu apa yg dipakai dibwah baju masing2. dulu2, orang masih segan & anggap takyahlah tahu apa dia pakai dibawah baju dia.

tahu tak mcmana ia disidai dikeringkan?

sya pernah praktikkan masa sya balik ke rumah mak mertua sya. terkejut semua hehehe

caranya ialah ... sidai & susun seluar & baju dalam (bra) sederet, sepanjang kain sarung batik. selepas itu, tutup semuanya dgn menyidai sarung batik diatasnya. jangan risau, dgn matahari terik, semuanya akan kering.

sya dah buat & berjaya ;)


yg terlintas dihati kecil sya ...

bila solat cukup 5 waktu, dihiasi dgn solat2 sunnat serta amalan2 yg dituntut agama, insyaAllah murah rezeki yakni, apa yg ada mencukupi, menenangkan & disyukuri; lapang dada, ruang & masa; insyaAllah sentiasa selamat; dan panjang umur yakni, yg dihajati sempat merasa, yg perlu dibuat sempat dibuatkan/disudahkan/disempurnakan. insyaAllah, inilah yg dinamakan hidup yg berkat (kesedaran pd waktu maghrib, 7.21pm, 31hb oktober 2011).

Friday, October 28, 2011

Oprah Winfrey

she is such a phenomenal woman. she has done so much good to the world's community, especially for the black community (for the lack of a better word).

watching her farewell show, i can't help tearing up watching the gratitude people are showing for all she has done for them.

i admit, she has given me many of my own 'a-ha' moments too.

now i wish we could see her OWN network programmes.

i always quietly hoped she becomes a muslim. only He knows her future.

wok with yan

martin yan, wok with yan.

the man who inspired me to cook (other than my mother).

i love his style of cooking ~ fresh, quick & delicious !

Thursday, October 27, 2011

20th day ....

each day still hoping & believing that he'll come home. this is nothing like what you see on tv. no good cops to help you. no leads to go on. no ransom note nor calls. no clues. all happening in a 3rd world muslim country that is as corrupted as any other country.

Ya Allah ... kupohon ....

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

route to Pakistan

we've rebooked our tickets and waiting for my sil's greenlight.

to this day, no ransom call or contact has been made by the abductors. however, the rumour mill has been working overtime among my sil's friends & family in karachi.

the latest rumour (which i really hope is not what is happening to my bil) is that this is the work of terrorist group & kidnapping is their way of getting funds. the extension of this rumouris that, my bil could be sold yo the highest bidder and only then the bidder would ask for a ransom. this is crazy! one of the other worst things that could happen is that my bro-inlaw could be smuggled out of his country! all these rumours is scaring everyone :( including me.

this is so disturbing :(

i really really pray that these are only rumours and my bil will come home soon.

he wants to stay home and do his work.

i want to go out and have some fun.

clash of the titans!

we're at home   :o(   ggrrrrr ...


Tuesday, October 25, 2011


i HATE the Walking Dead!


Monday, October 24, 2011

day 17 ...

it's day 17 and not a phonecall since the last one. my brother-inlaw is still missing but we haven't lost hope.

hubby called his sister last night. hubby's youngest niece doesn't want to go to school, that is understandable. it is difficult for her with all the Q&A from her teachers and friends. poor girl  :'(

sis-inlaw told hubby that it is still not safe for us to go. she lives about 4 doors from her inlaws and to go home, just to check the house or get some things, she has to have 6 bodyguards with her. 6!

rumours have been going around on certain chats & web sites about my brother-inlaw. some even stated that he's home after paying a hefty ransom! if only that were true, that he is safely home.

whenever my phone rings or text messages come in, when i see hubby's name or SIL's name come up, my heart does a flip-flop.

Ya Allah, please send him home safely. open those bad mens' hearts to let him go home. please ....

it's ok ....

one of the ways of having a stress free life is not to mind everything, every single detail. my heart and mind could only take so much.

that's what i am trying to do and yet fail, but not so much :) i can take the pain, rejection, or whatever it is, insyaAllah. i try to undertand everything and then let go.

insyaAllah i can do it. no, i will do it for the sake of my sanity!

**byr aje la saman tu, sya. nape plak nak marah parking attendend tu? sya jugak yg byr tak cukup tiket parking tu ... iiiiishhhh!

Masterchef Malaysia

this was my comment on MCM's FB wall:

"‎2 episod bertarung nasib mengejar impian utk menjadi seorang chef (or at least menambah ilmu dlm bidang ini). bukan mudah tapi syabas kpd para peserta yg berani mencuba! saya tak berani hehehe ... i know you want this badly, on top of that it's your 1st time on tv (most of you) & you're nervous. no worries, just focus on what you have to do. ... to the judges, you seem more nervous than the contestants. chill & find your rhythm. as much as you're judging, your focus should be on helping the contestants too. the programme is abit shaky (which is normal) but i wish you all the best! when i overcome my fears, maybe i'll try out for season 2 (kalau ada) ;) "

this was my comment on 1001Resipi's FB wall when she asked what everyone thought of the show:

"rancangan tak boring walaupun meniru US. it'll be interesting to see how it'll pan out/progress & become a real Malaysian program (i hope). on the positive side, it's heartwarming to see Malaysians from all walks of life trying to live their dreams. i love to cook but i certainly don't have those contestants' guts. good for them! on the downside, the judges are abit unnatural but it's a first for them too (i think). if from this comes Junior Masterchef Malaysia, that'll be very interesting. it'll be such a positive motivation for kids who love or interested to cook."

overall, i think it is a good effort with lots of room for improvement. there have been some negative & snarky comments on FB and i can give you 2 sen by telling you, those snarky people don't even have half the guts those contestants have. i think the professionals might not be as snarky because they know how difficult it is for the contestants.

i would love to try it out but i don't have the guts hehehe

too scared of failing because i have high expectations and i know i don't know that much ... ehheeeee!

i look forward to learn some new skills through the program and it's nice to see Ary Malik on TV again.

Sunday, October 23, 2011

1.03am ... still awake.


on the net.

the tv's switched on.

hubby's asleep, just.

i need food .... heh!


Masterchef Malaysia is on!

missed it just now.

tv time!

Friday, October 21, 2011


i think i've caught the k-pop bug :D


can't shake this loneliness bug off! woke up, got hubby ready for work and when he left, the house was totally quiet.

vacuumed the carpet but that's it. my back was killing me. must be aiman i carried 2 days ago. that toddler is as heavy as 2 sandbags!

can't stay & there's nothing to eat (meaning, i don't want to slave over something in the kitchen).

got out of the house but undecided where i should go. can't drive far because of my bad back. am still in my car (again) & weighing on my options (mcmlah byk sgt!)

i am use to being alone but it's the loneliness bug that kills me, occasionally.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

13 ...

thinking of my brother-inlaw who has been missing for 13 days now ... my problems are so microscopic. i wonder how he is and i pray to Allah that he is in good health & safe no matter they have kept him.

it is still so surreal but devastating too ... wondering how or where he is. whatever i feel is hardly the tip of the iceberg of what his family is feeling right now.  every time i think of his predicament, tears flows. i wish they would let him come home soon. safely come home, aminn.

i can't imagine what he's going thru ... the trauma, is he in pain, is he safe? he must be worried about his family too.

kesian semuanya :'(

where to ...?

it's close to 5.30pm.

i'm in my car, infront of my office ... don't know where to go. home? it's too quiet. my parents' home? spent half the day there earlier today.

where to go?

most days, this feeling is tolerable or ignored but today, can't do either.

still in my car, watching the traffic building up on sunway & npe.

darn it!

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

The Rancics

Giulianna revealed that she is now fighting breast cancer in the early stages.

i feel for her. altho i don't know her personally but i have followed her struggle with trying to have babies and now this.

i fear the same thing ...

i hope she'll recover soon and gets back to good health.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

A Small Adventure by Santa Montefiore

... So this was her life? In her late forties, with children grown up and a husband busy at work, travelling so much he was rarely at home - and, when he was, she felt more like a domestic than a wife .... Did she love him? If she did, it was a familiar love that was barely aware of itself. She trudged on, gazing bleakly into her future. Was this as good as it was going to get?

... communication ...

... communication is not about distance. it's about wanting to hear ... you can be on the other side of the world and still listening to the person you love. (Sophie Kinsella ~~ Christmas List)

flat tyre

dear sya,

if u ever face this prob, here's a solution. if it is flat tyre, get to the nearest petrol station & pump it with air. then, slowly get to an auto tyre shop & get them to check & fix it.

since u got this bril idea after u got home, good luck in repairing it tmrw!
kak za called half an hour ago.

she sounded so sad & tired. i would be too in her position. no news yet of where my brother inlaw is or whether he is really safe & well. they called only once to inform that he is ok, but it's only their word against my BIL.

kak za told me that friends have been texting & calling congratulating that her husband is back when in fact he hasn't. it seems that rumours have been going around with false info. this only adds to their sadness, worry & stress.

it's heart wrenching to hear her cry and i could not do anything to help her bring her husband home. luluh hati sya dgr tangisan kak za, airmata sya berjujuran mengalir.

Ya Allah, selamatkan abg Riyaz & kembalilah dia ke pangkaun keluarga dgn selamat. aminn aminn ya robbal alaminn.

Sunday, October 16, 2011


9 days and counting ...

no news yet of my brother inlaw's whereabouts, whether he's ok or not ... 9 days of waiting :(

hubby & i are getting worried but ours is nothing compared to what my sil & family are feeling. the agony of waiting & wondering ... i dare not say nor think.

our only wish is for him to come home safely & quickly.

Ya Allah, lindungilah abang riyaz dari bahaya & pulangkan dia ke pangkuan keluarga dengan segera. semoga family kami di pakistan tabah & sabar menghadapi dugaan ini.

Ya Allah ... ku pohon kepadaMu yg terbaik buat ahli keluargaku, aminn.

Saturday, October 15, 2011

big, bold & beautiful women :)

Monday, October 10, 2011

... taken

this entry has nothing to do with my new chapter in life ... but an important one as is.

my biras was kidnapped last saturday night :-(

he just got back from overseas, went home for lunch and went to visit the factory office instead of HQ. on his way home, his car was intersected by another car & 2 outriders. a shot/shots were fired (various news reports) and he was taken away from his car. his driver & bodyguard were left behind and are now detained for questioning.

it has been more than 48 hours now and we are just beside ourselves, hoping for the best outcome that he is safe & unhurt.

my sil is in karachi all alone with her kids & inlaws. we want to go but there are some concerns. we need an invitation to get a visa. we also do not want to impose on everyone with our presence although all we want is to give our support. i am sure their house is now swarm with police plus waiting for the abductors' call & demand. any communication we sent to my sil is kept to a minimum in case the bad guys call.

we are praying so hard for his safe return. this feels so surreal. Ya Allah, please bring him home safe & unhurt.

I want out

rasa lemas sgt2!

i want out.

let me breathe, pls!


Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Sunday, October 2, 2011

marc anthony - my baby you (full song)

Nelly - Dilemma ft. Kelly Rowland

One More Time RICHARD MARX Lyrics

Liberty X - Just A Little

Adele - Someone Like You (Live in Her Home)

Friday, September 30, 2011

Jason Aldean & Kelly Clarkson "Don't You Wanna Stay"

Colbie Caillat - I Never Told You

Kelly Clarkson - Already Gone

Kelly Clarkson-Beautiful Disaster

me sugar & i

8.9 and counting down ....

Thursday, September 29, 2011


my blood sugar has gone down to 9.9!

ok, now to do more to get it lower.

you're tugging my heart strings ... what's up?

or am i tugging yours?

i know you're busy but i am here for you ... i am here.

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Lady Antebellum - Need You Now (2010 Remix)

hati kerinduan juga ...
since last thursday, my sugar level hasn't come down beelow 10. on that fateful day it was at 14.2. the highest it has ever been for me.

come to think of it ... i haven't been taking care of myself. i do take my meds, glucophage, but when i kept eating/drinking sweet things ... the med won't work.

since fasting month, tekak rasa payau. so i've been drinking mango cordial nearly every day at breaking fast and occasionally during eid. sya buat segelas rasa manis2 buah je, tak masuk gula pun but i guess, bit by bit becomes a whole lot.

the physician at smc is giving me 2 weeks to bring the reading down. if it doesn't, i'd have to start on a new additional med. :-(


Labbaik Allah Humma Labbaik - Haj Nasyid Raihan with English Translation

kerinduan menebal setiap saat ... Ya Allah, ampuni dosa2ku ... bimbinglah daku ....

Monday, September 26, 2011

the whole of last week was the busiest so far for this month ... the highest of high and tonight ... it's the lowest of low.

i can still blog but i am really turned off by fb.

hmm ....

Sunday, September 25, 2011

r u patronising me or am i being over sensitive? ... i'll pick the latter. hmmm....

Saturday, September 24, 2011

would you ...?

when i told my mom ... she doesn't understand.

when i told my hubby, he doesn't understand.

when i told my kakak ipar ... she doesn't understand either.

if i told you, would you understand?

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

date: 20th sept 2011
time: 6.50pm

venue/place: in the elevator of Marc Residence at Jalan Pinang, KL.

my thought as i was looking at my reflection in the mirror in the elevator:

i am not better than you but i am as good as i am. as is. i am one in a million. so are you.

Monday, September 19, 2011

just a small op

... yup, did it.

when i went for a follow-up, i thought DS would've said no need for the procedure ... but she didn't say it.

therefore, last thursday we did it ... just a small procedure mcm buang bisul :p  but i needed 3-4 stitches.

this friday, another follow-up.

Monday, September 12, 2011

mungkin tak jadi op.


it's just a tiny surgery but with a scalpel, needles etc nonetheless!

i've had enough of needles, THANK YOU!

hopefully this wednesday, doc kata takyah op.

Thursday, September 8, 2011

sebulan puasa duk rumah parents .... liatnya nak balik ke rumah sendiri :P

Wednesday, September 7, 2011


  • balik raya ke-3 ke KB.
  • started at 9am, arrived at 9.30pm ... yup, 12hrs plus  a few short toilet stops and a 3+hr jam from Macanh to Tanah Merah.
  • another 12hr drive back to KL. started at 6am, sampai 6.15pm di shah alam. we only stopped about an hour at kuala lipis for food & a nap.

  • both down with fever, flu & coughing since we got back :(

  • am having an ear infection in my left ear and a sinus infection in my right ear ... jalan mcm tak balance je.
  • esok jumpa ENT specialist.

  • pus came out from a cyst in my left breast.
  • panic giler!
  • had a check, neither a benign nor malignant, just a cyst but have to take it out soon. day surgery next week.

5. baru plan nak buat makan2 ajak kawan2 yg dah lama tak jumpa ... kena postpone.

Monday, August 29, 2011

how can i explain this sadness in my heart ...?

in the midst of eid preparation, my heart is gripped by such sadness that has left me in tears numerous times today.

i just couldn't explain why.


Saturday, August 27, 2011

Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri

ampun maaf jika ada salah & silap laku-kata

semoga meriah ceria sambutan raya bersama keluarga tersayang

Friday, August 26, 2011

~ no kids of our own
~ seldom see nephews & nieces, so quality time is limited

today's reflection:
~ Allah knows best.
~ He knows i need time to get use to having a toddler around 24/7.
~ He knows my temper will subside and i will love aiman as he is, a 21mo toddler.
~ He knows my heart will open to this lil boy and love will flow so much from my heart for him.

~ am thinking again about adopting.
~ it wouldn't be so bad, wouldn't it? i mean ... i won't be such a bad mother, would i?
~ i think i am capable of having a kid of my own, albeit he/she is adopted.

i love aiman, of course i do! but what excites me is that we've bonded the last few days. i love it when he's into me. 'mbaklong' is what he calls me. the kisses he gives me and when his tiny hand holds my index finger. i love it when we play run & catch. it's amazing to see how his lil legs run ... so fast!

i wish i could tell my brothers & sils how lucky they are to have children, no matter how challenging it is to raise them. they don't know how lucky they are. they have the privileged in having Allah's trust to take care one of his possessions, the children. the one thing we could or might not have one of our own.

i feel overwhelmed ....

Count Me Out | Real Simple

Count Me Out Real Simple

i read this article in one of my fav mags ~ Real Simple.

it got me thinking & made me realise, i am just like the author of the article, Helen Schulman.

i count, nearly everything.

  • when it's about money, everything has to be exact, right to the sen, unless you tell me otherwise (round it up).
  • increasing or lowering the volume of the radio or tv, i'd always choose an even number ~ 8, 10, 12, 22, 32 etc.
  •  i'd sum up license plates to know if they add up to 8 which Chinese believe to bring good luck. why i bother, i don't know!
  • i count days to my ovulation date and days to my next period.

... to list a few.

Schulman's right. i have to stop counting to have a life. it is stressful.

can i do it? i hope so. i will try.

maybe i should stop counting the hour before i go to bed and get up for sahur ... that's a good start.

Thursday, August 25, 2011

when out of the blue, i suddenly remember and thought of you ... was it because you were thinking of me? or is it just me suddenly remembering you?

fortunately, it rarely happens.

for ego's sake, i think you were thinking of me because i rarely thought of you.

case of exs.
tokbah went for terawih tonight. it wasn't easy to sneak out when you have a toddler being your shadow.

tokma & maklong plus bibik ani had to go through great lengths to distract this smart toddler. barney had a hand in it too.

among all four, tokma wins the cake. aiman only wants tokma. maklong has to sit outside of the tv room. yup, outside of the room.

watching his lil chubby body climbing, running & bumping into tokma, i had to ask ... ma, are you ok? (my mom is 60+, had a bypass 3 yrs ago, is diabetic and as strong as she is, she is tired this fasting month. i'm just concerned about her.)

mama ok, sya. penat  but i am very happy. bukan selalu mama dpt main dgn cucu.  aiman gave her a big hug!

i'm happy seeing my mama happy. so i let them be and watched from behind the sliding door :)

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

detikan waktu hampir separuh malam
dengkuran tidurmu cuma perlahan
hatiku bergetar kesyukuran
Allah kurniakanku kasih jodoh yg berpanjangan.

ayong, maklong ... panggilan si kecil buatku
terukir senyum bak bunga kembang harum ditaman
kupanjat doa dan kesyukuran kpd Illahi
kurniaan anak2 saudara yg menghiburkan hati.

2-3 kucing berlari
mana nak sama dgn si kucing belang
5-6 hari lagi akhirnya Ramadhan
setahun lagi baru kembali menjelang.

Monday, August 22, 2011

Aiman & O-Bah

when i came back from karachi, i came back to find my nephew, aiman, is staying with my parents for a while ... a month & a half, to be exact.

it's a week now and i am still in awe & jaw-dropping mode.


i totally didn't recognize this new man, my father, TokBah or O-Bah as aiman affectionately calls him.

i grew up with a very stern father. when he's home on weekends, we'd have to creep around the house to play.

having aiman around has made him into a total softie!

i have never ever seen him so patient with a child, more so that aiman is very into his grandad. they're like soulmates.

whenever O-Bah comes home, aiman would be running as fast as his 21month old legs could take him to greet his Obah at the door.

aiman will never sleep with anyone except with O-Bah and no one can enter the tv room when both of them are there.

nannak! nannak! maklong kuwau! kuwau! (taknak, taknak, maklong keluar!)

aiman & O-Ma are kamcheng too. aiman will only listen to O-Bah & O-Ma. well, that's good, isn't it?

me, maklong ... i'm on the sidelines hehehe ... i will only be useful to aiman when O-Bah, O-Ma, bibik ani & bibik sinah are not around. oh yeah ... i also come last after Baklong (Paklong). i don't mind, which i did at 1st. silly me, getting upset with a toddler.

now i happily sit and watch the world of aiman go round & round among his fav peeps.

kesian O-Bah. he's really into his grandson but he's also very2 tired.

like what O-Ma said ... dah, nak cucu sayang dia ... hah, dah jadi mcm sepasang kekasih dah hehehe

i also worry what will happen when the day comes when aiman has to leave and go back to melaka when his maid/nanny comes back. i predict O-Bah will be grouchy and i pray that aiman won't get sick missing his O-Bah.

Sunday, August 21, 2011

nasi dagang, acar, kari ayam, gulai ikan tongkol, sambal udang, sambal kelapa.
nasi beryani sindhi.
nasi tomato.
nasi kerabu.
nasi himpit, satay, kuah kacang, sambal kelapa, sayur lodeh, sambal sotong kering, serunding daging.
nasi lemak bungkus seringgit, sambal tumis,sambal kerang, ikan bilis goreng, telur rebus, kangkong celur, kacang tanah goreng, mentimun, rendang.
mee goreng, bihun goreng, kuey teow goreng, bihun goreng putih.
laksa kelantan, laksa assam/penang,
cake, kuih raya, kerepek, kekacang, murtabak, karipap.
air kordial, canned drinks, h2o, kopi, teh.
i had the scare of my life this evening.

mama became very weak this evening because of low blood sugar & exhaustion. she's diabetic and with fasting and all, she went into hypo mode. luckily it was just 15 minutes before breaking fast. she hasn't been sleeping well and she's been holding up the fort of the kitchen when it comes to the daily menus. we like to joke that she's a perfectionist and the king of the kitchen.

i had my first look into the future if i ever lose my mama. such a scary & sad thought  :'-(

when i checked on her twice between 8-9.35pm , she was slightly better than before. we chatted for awhile before i left her to rest & sleep.

i can't fanthom how i'd face my days when my parents are gone ....

Friday, August 19, 2011

Mana Mak?

by Nik Fuad Kamil on Friday, 19 August 2011 at 16:07

Salam….. Untuk tatapan dan renungan semua anak-anak….semuga ianya tidak berlaku kepada kita ya.

Jam 6.30 petang.

Mak berdiri di depan pintu. Wajah Mak kelihatan resah. Mak tunggu adik bungsu balik dari sekolah agama.
Ayah baru balik dari sawah.

Ayah tanya Mak, “Along mana?’
Mak jawab, “Ada di dapur tolong siapkan makan.”

Ayah tanya Mak lagi,” Angah mana?”
Mak jawab, “Angah mandi, baru balik main bola.”

Ayah tanya Mak, “Ateh mana?”
Mak jawab, “Ateh, Kak Cik tengok tv dengan Alang di dalam."

Ayah tanya lagi, “Adik dah balik?”
Mak jawab, “Belum. Patutnya dah balik. Basikal adik rosak kot. Kejap lagi kalau tak balik juga jom kita pergi cari Adik.”

Mak jawab soalan ayah penuh yakin. Tiap-tiap hari ayah tanya soalan yang sama. Mak jawab penuh perhatian. Mak ambil berat di mana anak-anak Mak dan bagaimana keadaan anak-anak Mak setiap masa dan setiap ketika.

Dua puluh tahun kemudian ...

Jam 6.30 petang

Ayah balik ke rumah. Baju ayah basah. Hujan turun sejak tengahari.

Ayah tanya Along, “Mana Mak?”
Along sedang membelek-belek baju barunya. Along jawab, “Tak tahu.”
Ayah tanya Angah, “Mana Mak?”
Angah menonton tv. Angah jawab, “Mana Angah tahu.”
Ayah tanya Ateh, “Mana Mak?”
Ayah menunggu lama jawapan dari Ateh yang asyik membaca majalah.
Ayah tanya Ateh lagi, "Mana Mak?"
Ateh menjawab, “Entah.”
Ateh terus membaca majalah tanpa menoleh kepada Ayah.
Ayah tanya Alang, “Mana Mak?”
Alang tidak jawab. Alang hanya mengoncang bahu tanda tidak tahu.

Ayah tidak mahu tanya Kak Cik dan Adik yang sedang melayan facebook. Ayah tahu yang Ayah tidak akan dapat jawapan yang ayah mahu.

Tidak ada siapa tahu di mana Mak. Tidak ada siapa merasa ingin tahu di mana Mak. Mata dan hati anak-anak Mak tidak pada Mak. Hanya mata dan hati Ayah yang mencari-cari di mana Mak.

Tidak ada anak-anak Mak yang tahu setiap kali ayah bertanya, "Mana Mak?"

Tiba-tiba adik bungsu bersuara, “Mak ni dah senja-senja pun merayap lagi. Tak reti nak balik!!”  Tersentap hati Ayah mendengar kata-kata Adik.

Dulu anak-anak Mak akan berlari mendakap Mak apabila balik dari sekolah. Mereka akan tanya "Mana Mak?" apabila Mak tidak menunggu mereka di depan pintu.

Mereka akan tanya, "Mana Mak." Apabila dapat nomor 1 atau kaki melecet main bola di padang sekolah. Mak resah apabila anak-anak Mak lambat balik. Mak mahu tahu di mana semua anak-anaknya berada setiap waktu dan setiap ketika.
Sekarang anak-anak sudah besar. Sudah lama anak-anak Mak tidak bertanya 'Mana Mak?"

Semakin anak-anak Mak besar, soalan "Mana Mak?" semakin hilang dari bibir anak-anak Mak. Ayah berdiri di depan pintu menunggu Mak. Ayah resah menunggu Mak kerana sudah senja sebegini Mak masih belum balik. Ayah risau kerana sejak akhir-akhir ini Mak selalu mengadu sakit lutut.

Dari jauh kelihatan sosok Mak berjalan memakai payung yang sudah uzur. Besi-besi payung tercacak keluar dari kainnya. Hujan masih belum berhenti. Mak menjinjit dua bungkusan plastik. Sudah kebiasaan bagi Mak, Mak akan bawa sesuatu untuk anak-anak Mak apabila pulang dari berjalan.

Sampai di halaman rumah Mak berhenti di depan deretan kereta anak-anak Mak. Mak buangkan daun-daun yang mengotori kereta anak-anak Mak. Mak usap bahagian depan kereta Ateh perlahan-lahan. Mak rasakan seperti mengusap kepala Ateh waktu Ateh kecil. Mak senyum. Kedua bibir Mak diketap repat. Senyum tertahan, hanya Ayah yang faham. Sekarang Mak tidak dapat lagi merasa mengusap kepala anak-anak seperti masa anak-anak Mak kecil dulu. Mereka sudah besar. Mak takut anak Mak akan menepis tangan Mak kalau Mak lakukannya.

Lima buah kereta milik anak-anak Mak berdiri megah. Kereta Ateh paling gah. Mak tidak tahu pun apa kehebatan kereta Ateh itu. Mak cuma suka warnanya. Kereta warna merah bata, warna kesukaan Mak. Mak belum merasa naik kereta anak Mak yang ini.

Baju mak basah kena hujan. Ayah tutupkan payung mak. Mak bagi salam. Salam Mak tidak berjawab. Terketar-ketar lutut Mak melangkah anak tangga. Ayah pimpin Mak masuk ke rumah. Lutut Mak sakit lagi.

Mak letakkan bungkusan di atas meja. Sebungkus rebung dan sebungkus kueh koci pemberian Mak Uda untuk anak-anak Mak. Mak Uda tahu anak-anak Mak suka makan kueh koci dan Mak malu untuk meminta untuk bawa balik. Namun raut wajah Mak sudah cukup membuat Mak Uda faham.

Semasa menerima bungkusan kueh koci dari Mak Uda tadi, Mak sempat berkata kepada Mak Uda, "Wah berebutlah budak-budak tu nanti nampak kueh koci kamu ni."

Sekurang-kurangnya itulah bayangan Mak. Mak bayangkan anak-anak Mak sedang gembira menikmati kueh koci sebagimana masa anak-anak Mak kecil dulu. Mereka berebut dan Mak jadi hakim pembuat keputusan muktamat. Sering kali Mak akan beri bahagian Mak supaya anak-anak Mak puas makan. Bayangan itu sering singgah di kepala Mak.

Ayah suruh Mak tukar baju yang basah itu. Mak akur. Selepas Mak tukar baju, Ayah iring Mak ke dapur. Mak ajak anak-anak Mak makan kueh koci. Tidak seorang pun yang menoleh kepada Mak. Mata dan hati anak-anak Mak sudah bukan pada Mak lagi.

Mak hanya tunduk, akur dengan keadaan. Ayah tahu Mak sudah tidak boleh mengharapkan anak-anak melompat-lompat gembira dan berlari mendakapnya seperti dulu.

Ayah temankan Mak makan. Mak menyuap nasi perlahan-lahan, masih mengharapkan anak-anak Mak akan makan bersama. Setiap hari Mak berharap begitu. Hanya Ayah yang duduk bersama Mak di meja makan setiap malam. Ayah tahu Mak penat sebab berjalan jauh. Siang tadi Mak pergi ke rumah Mak Uda di kampung seberang untuk mencari rebung. Mak hendak masak rebung masak lemak cili api dengan ikan masin kesukaan anak-anak Mak.

Ayah tanya Mak kenapa Mak tidak telepon suruh anak-anak jemput. Mak jawab, "Saya dah suruh Uda telepon budak-budak ni tadi. Tapi Uda kata semua tak berangkat."

Mak minta Mak Uda telepon anak-anak yang Mak tidak boleh berjalan balik sebab hujan. Lutut Mak akan sakit kalau sejuk. Ada sedikit harapan di hati Mak agar salah seorang anak Mak akan menjemput Mak dengan kereta. Mak teringin kalau Ateh yang datang menjemput Mak dengan kereta barunya. Tidak ada siapa yang datang jemput Mak.

Mak tahu anak-anak mak tidak sedar telepon berbunyi. Mak ingat kata-kata ayah, “Kita tak usah susahkan anak-anak. Selagi kita mampu kita buat saja sendiri apa-apa pun. Mereka ada kehidupan masing-masing. Tak payah sedih-sedih. Maafkan sajalah anak-anak kita. Tak apalah kalau tak merasa menaiki kereta mereka sekarang. Nanti kalau kita mati kita masih ada peluang merasa anak-anak mengangkat kita kat bahu mereka.”

Mak faham buah hati Mak semua sudah besar. Along dan Angah sudah beristeri. Ateh, Alang, Kak Cik dan Adik masing-masing sudah punya buah hati sendiri yang sudah mengambil tempat Mak di hati anak-anak Mak.

Pada suapan terakhir, setitik air mata Mak jatuh ke pinggan. Kueh koci masih belum diusik oleh anak-anak Mak.

Beberapa tahun kemudian Mak Uda tanya Along, Angah, Ateh, Alang, Kak Cik dan Adik, “Mana mak?”.

Hanya Adik yang jawab, “Mak dah tak ada.”  Along, Angah, Ateh, Alang, Kak Cik dan Adik tidak sempat melihat Mak waktu Mak sakit.

Kini Mak sudah berada di sisi Tuhannya bukan di sisi anak-anak Mak lagi.

Dalam isakan tangis, Along, Angah, Ateh, Alang, Kak Cik dan Adik menerpa kubur Mak.

Hanya batu nisan yang berdiri terpacak. Batu nisan Mak tidak boleh bersuara. Batu nisan tidak ada tangan macam tangan Mak yang selalu memeluk erat anak-anaknya apabila anak-anak datang menerpa Mak semasa anak-anak Mak kecil dulu. Mak pergi semasa Along, Angah, Ateh, Alang, Kak Cik dan Adik berada jauh di bandar. Kata Along, Angah, Ateh, Alang, Kak Cik dan Adik mereka tidak dengar handphone berbunyi semasa ayah telepon untuk beritahu mak sakit tenat.

Mak faham, mata dan telinga anak-anak Mak adalah untuk orang lain bukan untuk Mak.

Hati anak-anak Mak bukan milik Mak lagi. Hanya hati Mak yang tidak pernah diberikan kepada sesiapa, hanya untuk anak-anak Mak..

Mak tidak sempat merasa diangkat di atas bahu anak-anak Mak. Hanya bahu ayah yang sempat mengangkat jenazah Mak dalam hujan renyai.

Ayah sedih sebab tiada lagi suara Mak yang akan menjawab soalan Ayah,
"Mana Along?" , "Mana Angah?", "Mana Ateh?", "Mana Alang?", "Mana Kak Cik?" atau "Mana Adik?".

Hanya Mak saja yang rajin menjawab soalan ayah itu dan jawapan Mak memang tidak pernah silap. Mak sentiasa yakin dengan jawapannya sebab mak ambil tahu di mana anak-anaknya berada pada setiap waktu dan setiap ketika. Anak-anak Mak sentiasa di hati Mak tetapi hati anak-anak Mak ada orang lain yang mengisinya.

Ayah sedih. Di tepi kubur Mak, Ayah bermonolog sendiri, "Mulai hari ini tidak perlu bertanya lagi kepada Along, Angah, Ateh, Alang, Kak Cik dan Adik , "Mana mak?" "

Kereta merah Ateh bergerak perlahan membawa Ayah pulang. Along, Angah, Alang dan Adik mengikut dari belakang. Hati ayah hancur teringat hajat Mak untuk naik kereta merah Ateh tidak kesampaian. Ayah terbayang kata-kata Mak malam itu, "Cantiknya kereta Ateh, kan Bang? Besok-besok Ateh bawalah kita jalan-jalan kat Kuala Lumpur tu. Saya akan buat kueh koci buat bekal."

"Ayah, ayah....bangun." Suara Ateh memanggil ayah. Ayah pengsan sewaktu turun dari kereta Ateh..

Terketar-ketar ayah bersuara, "Mana Mak?"

Ayah tidak mampu berhenti menanya soalan itu. Sudah 10 tahun Mak pergi namun soalan "Mana Mak?" masih sering keluar dari mulut Ayah sehingga ke akhir usia.

Sebuah cerita pendek buat tatapan anak-anak yang kadang-kadang lupa persaan ibu. Kata orang hidup seorang ibu waktu muda dilambung resah, apabila tua dilambung rasa.
Kata Rasulullah saw. ibu 3 kali lebih utama dari ayah. Bayangkanlah berapa kali ibu lebih utama dari isteri, pekerjaan dan anak-anak sebenarnya. Solat sunat pun Allah suruh berhenti apabila ibu memanggil. Berapa kerapkah kita membiarkan deringan telepon panggilan dari ibu tanpa berjawab?

Thursday, August 18, 2011

There are no perfect fathers - Thai Life Insurance

Kelly Clarkson - Already Gone

Colbie Caillat - I Never Told You

Allah Maha Mengetahui ....

my nephew aiman is staying with my parents, his grandparents, for awhile. his nanny (maid) has gone back to indonesia for eid - a month & a half leave. since his mama & ayah both work, they had to ask help from the grandparents.

aiman has become very attached to his tokbah. tokbah is his air to breathe. next comes tokma. then baklong, bibik ani & bibik sinah. maklong comes last because maklong doesn't have the patience to layan  his antics.

come on sya! he's only 21months old!

that why i said, Allah Maha Mengetahui.

with my short temper, He has shown me that i will not be ready to have a child and even adopt one. i am too stern (i think). i give up!

i love my nephews to bits but like i said ... i am very stern :(

i tried ... and yes, i am out of practice but, i tried and i can see in aiman's intelligent eyes & mind that he's on to me. he doesn't trust me. poor aiman, pity me :(

this is what i fear the most. this is what i know. maybe this is teh reason i can't have kids (among other reasons).

that's it.

why am i here? i should just go home. tapi, tu lah kan ... kesian abah mama berbuka berdua je.

i miss him.

i miss you.

i miss us.

i miss ... everything.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

i am hommmmmmmmmmme!

alhamdulillah. flight went well except for a few bumpy turbulence.

1st day home ... jetlag & groggy. need to get back to normal time (my body was just getting used to pakistani time).

didn't do alot of shopping for my business but much for the family. abah is happy with his trousers, abang din is happy with his shirts and mama is also happy with her white fabric for kain telekung. i also bought for her some fabric for pant suits and blouses.

it was an exciting adventure to go there by myself but i don't think i'll be doing that that often. anxiety level was off the charts!

going around karachi town was worrying enough ... you never know when or where trigger--happy or bomb-ticking people are going to attack. we were quite careful to stay away from places where americans or foreigners would be.

last sunday was their national day and guess what? at 12midnight, sil's neighbours started shooting into the air celebrating independence day! i was fast asleep when the 1st 2 shots woke me up. at 1st i thought it was the generator exploding or something ... then i heard a strewn of shots and immediately jumped out of bed and ran upstairs. it was a spilt level house, my room (guestroom) was downstairs.

everyoen was still awake and i stayed up till after 1am listening to the gunshots & news on tv. they are one trigger-happy nation :o(

what an experience! the last time i heard such sounds was when i was in rotu at uni (old, old story).

i am so glad to be home on my beloved malaysian soil! now to get my bodyclock working right.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

it's my 4th day in Karachi.

i want to go homeeeeeeeeeeeeee!  i miss my husband & my family :-S

it's ok here ... no emotional shootings or bombings so far. shopping is ok but also a rush because shops here open at either 11am or 2pm and closes by 6pm and reopens after iftar abt 8pm.

last night was my 1st shopping after terawih. tiring!

am not getting much of what i want ... fabrics are quite expensive now especially since i'm buying what's in season - for eid. so far we've been unlucky to find out of season fabrics which could cost less than the ones now.

kain utk telekung mama belum dapat lagi tapi kain utk seluar & baju kemeja abah & abg din dah ada. baru semalam hantar for tailoring. harap2 dapat by monday b4 my flight.

i really miss home :o(

Saturday, August 6, 2011

this week has been a tearful week so far.

just as i was getting over my personal disappointment ... i received news that a childhood friend is sick.

2-3 days ago my friend was admitted for diarrhea with symptoms like food poisoning. however, a ct scan today confirmed she has a long thick tumour in her left abdominal wall. i'm guessing her biggest fear is colon cancer. she'll be doing her biopsy this monday.

when we spoke on the phone, i couldn't help but cried. i know i shouldn't have but i just did. she's in jb and too far for me to just drive out to visit. furthermore, i'm flying off this monday too. i wish i could give her a big hug and tell her all is going to be ok. i pray it's just a benign which they can just operate it out or shrink it with meds & treatment. i've lost too many friends to cancer and i hope i won't lose another one to it soon.

she expressed her fears and i told her i know exactly how she feels and it's normal to be afraid & worry. what's important is to be hopeful. i told her i had a uterus cancer scare in jan'11. we had to wait 3 weeks to determine what it was. alhamdulillah it was neither a benign or malignant.

dear ame, my heart, prayers & hopes go out to you. be strong & you have us to lean on.

Friday, August 5, 2011

oh ... i forgot to mention. i'm going alone :(

hubby's in a new job so, he can't take any extra leave. am gonna miss him so much!

it'll be my 1st time flying alone & leaving him for 8 days. usually i am the one being left behind.

dah nak buat business sgt ... nah, kena la cekal! (my stomach's churning :( )
this monday i'll be flying to karachi on a business trip.

nak pi cari kain ;)

i've been told that during ramzan, traders do not lie. so i am banking on that to get good honest trade from them. other than that, fabrics in summer are in beautiful colours.

on a social angle, i'm visiting my mom inlaw, sis inlaw & her family there.

bawak skit brg2 utk masak (serai, lengkuas, santan paket, daun kesum etc and of course, kuih raya!

i bought johorean pineapple tarts & suji. hmmm 6 bottles... should i buy something else?

2 more days to pack & get ready.
as i lay to sleep, this thought came to mind ...

i am not a mother, i might never be one & i can't advice you on how to be a mother;

but i have a mother and, i know how my actions & words affect her. i can share with you how not to hurt your mother (& father).

that is all i can offer.
i miss my friends ... i miss having a good laugh with them ... i miss my friends.

Thursday, August 4, 2011

Dear DrNotts

i miss you!

sya cuba call office a few times (takde la banyak kali sangat) tapi takde rezeki utk dapat akak. sekali tu je dapat, itu pun masa sya on the way to jb or somewhere and the line was bad.

how are you? i've been reading yr blog. i love yr pictures. nak tinggal comment, takleh hehehe ... sya duk baca yr entries sambil tersenyum sorang2. i love the way you write. it's like you're right in front of me.

i've been meaning to go and visit you but time is abit hectic lately. i plan to visit u soon after i come back from my trip.

i know you are ok and i hope to see you soon.

selamat berpuasa ye kak dan maaf zahir & batin kalau sya ada tersalah kata/buat.

* jangan marah ye sya tulis disini. i think it's cute though hehehe (angkat bakul sendiri hehehe)
pssst ... i dont mean to sound needy or whiney. just missing friends ...

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

apa menu berbuka hari ni?

mama buat kuih sri kaya ubi. it's a family fav & recipe. i also heard she made kari kepala ikan. abah's fav. i'd have roti canai with it.

sya mintak mama buatkan kerabu. anything that can be made into a kerabu. i want lots of veggies. the other things on my list would be sambal belacan & terlur goreng cilipadi. this is my recipe. cilipadi hijau cut into tiny pieces, add to the whisked eggs + salt & pepper. fried just like scrambled eggs. really spicy!

kuih manis dah ada. kuih tak manis, it's either cucur udang, pulut panggang or vadee masala. all my fav!

tak sabaarrrr hehehe

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

my days ahead

we're back from jb, about 45mins ago.

what a day! on the way back, like i said, wasn't a direct journey home. we left the hotel's parking at 5.20pm and actually started our journey back at 6.35pm. yup, we were at the tol at that time. we managed to break fast at machap's r&r because he drove at a speed of 160kmph. gerunnyaaaa

tomorrow's another day.

since we're sleeping over at my parents', my car's at home. so i need his help to send me back while on his was to work.

b4 9am i have to be at my 'office' to hand in the cheque (done). then i have to go to the other office (my actual office) to print out the visa form, pay the visa fees, check my stock etc (done, done but didn't check stock. aircond not working, office really stuffy).

around 11am, i plan to do some shopping (inners, new pants & grocery shopping for my sil ~ the one in karachi) at either 1 utama or subang parade b4 hubby calls to pick him up at the service station (his car) in subang. (none in this paragraph was done. instead i went to see the doctor. did a urine test, negative. now to wait for the blood test. went straight home to nap.)

from there, either he goes back to work in kl by commuter/lrt or we both go to kl and i'll wait till his office hour ends then, drive home with him.

(the rest of my plans are still on. pergi @ tak ke karachi, kena buat visa dulu)
thursday morning i have to be at the embassay b4 9am. stay the whole day in kl. collect visa at 4.30pm and drive back to shah alam to break fast. i hope hubby agrees to ride with me to kl ( dpt sya tido dlm kereta jap)

friday, parents going back to kb. sya hantar ke subang airport. from airport i have to go to ttdi to get the raya cookies for sil. breaking fast separately from hubby; him with his mates, me with my cousin.

saturday is a lazy day until later in the evening where we have to pick up his cousins from saudi for breaking fast. they're here on a holiday/work, hence we'd like to take them out for food. reminder to self: call the airport limo for monday's flight.

sunday would be last minute shopping for karachi. picking parents up from airport at noon (i think). then need to pack my bags and get hubby's things in order since i'll be away for a week.

monday 8th, i have to be at the airport by 10.45 for my 12.25 (6hrs) flight.

writing this down already tires me! i'm going to bed ... aslmkm :o)

Monday, August 1, 2011

1st day of ramadhan & he has to travel to south. tak sampai hati tgk dia pi sorang2. altho i slept most of the way, i did kept him company when i was awake.

different company but same job scope. most would take 3.5-4hrs to get to jb, we took 7hrs! he drove fast but he had to stop at many places for site visits, hence why i slept most of the way.

tmrw i'll stay back at the hotel. he'll go out for meetings & we'll check out later at 2 on our way back to kl. mind u, it won't be a direct journey too.

the rest of the week, my days are numbered b4 my trip to karachi on the 8th. hectic ...!

Friday, July 29, 2011

Selamat Berpuasa & Maaf Zahir Batin
semoga ibadah diberkati

Thursday, July 28, 2011

an update?

wow ...

i haven't blogged for quite some time , haven't i?

no special reason ... just didn't feel like it. altho, i do blog-hopped.

latest update:

22nd-25th July, my mom & i went to Guangzhou, China. will blog abt it soon.

on my mind:

should i go to karachi? leaving hubby & family for a week ... just to buy cotton materials for my business? of course, i should but i have a few probs about it.

1. am afraid to fly alone;
2. karachi is forever in a turmoil, i wonder if i am safe;
3. will i be imposing on my sil & her family with my 'business trip'?

the thought of flying alone is enough to cancel everything but the idea of shopping is strong too ... hehehe

such a dilemma!


Thursday, June 30, 2011

home sweet home ...

finally ... familiar ground & some stability.

time is ticking ... on the run again soon ... yup, starting tomorrow.

Sunday, June 26, 2011

... i crave for stability! living out of a bag is getting to me ....


Wednesday, June 22, 2011


we're on a bus, Aeroline, to Singapore for a holiday till saturday then driving back to KB by car the next day. coming back to KL on the 29th.

cuti-cuti sblm dia start kerja baru.

Saturday, June 18, 2011

i feel so bummed out ... literally!


Friday, June 17, 2011

i am so happy with myself!

in our quest for a baby, we went thru 2 IUI cycles and failed. as heartbreaking as it is, one good thing came out of this. during both cycles, i'd stop drinking coffee, milo and tea. i only took ovaltine 'o' kosong.

now, i don't want any if those drinks. coca-cola also tastes weird. i still want some sweet drink but i don't crave it anymore. i can drink more plain water.

my aim now is to cut off all sugary drinks. i can do it!

Thursday, June 16, 2011

swimming partner

yes, you read it right!

i have found my swimming partner!

she's my friend who is also a bidan & tukang urut.

i has a massage session with her yesterday afternoon and then we agreed to meet up for a  swim.

i was so exhausted, i was yawning as we swam hehehe

we weren't really swimming. my friend and her daughter do not how how to swim, i do but i haven't been swimming for the last 7 months.

so what we did was walking from one end to the other non-stop. halfway through i forgot how many laps we did but we were in the pool for 45minutes. i kept track of the time.

as tired and sleepy as i was, it was hard to fall asleep. it took awhile and i think i had a weird dream which i couldn't remember.

anyway ... it was a good start :o)

i plan to ask my friend to come again on saturday if our schedules are clear. we plan to swim together at least 2x a week and more.