help me, Jillian!

when you're letting your weight creep up & up ... it means you've given up on life and you've signed your death certificate way too early! - this is what i get from Jillian Micheals' programme Losing It With Jillian on Hallmark, although not in so many or exact words.

i do wonder ... how do we get this big? what have we let go that made us gave up on so many things?

i can't speak on my husband's behalf. he has to figure it out himself but i always remind him that i am here & there for him, always.

but who is here & there for me always?

i can't whine about that. why? because it just hit me. why should i want someone to be here & there for me when i am not here & there for myself?! i should be the 1st one here & there for me.

watching the programme has inspired me.

i remember when i was 12 years younger i was energetic & i was taking care of myself. i guess ... no, i know, when i got married, i handed over my life to my husband because i have a husband! that doesn't make sense, right? right! just because he is my husband, he is not responsible for my body or happiness ... that's my job, i am responsible for myself!

my weight begin to pile up because i was unhappy, not with him but myself but, being the coward that i am, i blamed my husband. his weight also increased and it's partly because of me :o(

i have to learn & relearn to be responsible for myself. i have to take care of myself. i can see the light but it's still in the distant. i hope to get closer to it.

i need help, i do but i have to help myself first! i have to start somewhere and that is now.

please sya ... focus!







note to self:
Jangan pandai cakap je Sya, buat le!

a good friend of mine, kak S, is still awake.

i'm still awake.

we're texting each other.

on FB too.

i miss our years in UM.

i wished we had completed our Masters.

terkubur kan kak? insyaAllah, bukan utk selamanya. kita akan bangkit kembali :o)

teringat pd Dr.Noraini & Dr. Mariani. apa dah nama Dr.TeddyBear tuh? hehehe

new 'toys'?

this whole week, i've been buying a few new 'toys' for my kitchen.

5 Pyrex bakewares: 2 deep flan bakeware (26cm) (from Parkson, SUbang Parade), 2 867ml oval bakeware bowl and 1 1.1L rectangular bakeware bowl (the last 3 items from Giant, they were at a special price!).

last but not least, my latest pride & joy, Zebra brand Vitalux Plus 28cm pot. great for stews and the likes! orang Kelantan suka periuk kuali dari brand Zebra, Buaya ... apa lagi ek? great for cooking.

now ... if i can only find the manual for 'my oven'. it's an in-built oven. my mom used to use it when she lived in this apartment but when she moved ... the manual sort of disappeared :o(

i've been looking high & low for it and i think it was thrown out by the maids during the move.

my (hand-me-down) Baby Belling is all rusty and i dare not bake anything in it. again ... it was my mom's and when she moved, saya yg dapat. i think the oven has been with us for about 20 years or shy of it.

latest emergency is my washing machine. yes, it came with the house. age is close to 5 years. i couldn't wash anything the whole of last week because it won't drain the water out.

yes, i've checked the tubes, the release valve (whateveryoucallit) ... drained out all the water and when i switch it on again ... it's not draining water again.

should i get a new toy? should i, should we ... abang? hehehe *wink, wink*

hmm ... can we afford it? we spent alot today. raya fever maybe? a new 2-seater sofa for our house (which will only arrive after raya which is ok because we'll be away during raya) and a queen-size bed for our studio apartment. we plan to rent it out once we get the CF. it's one of our best and long term investment, insyaAllah.



tapikan abang .... i think we do need a new washing machine ... puhleeeez .........

bread pudding

semalam terasa nak makan chocolate bread pudding. pergi 2-3 kedai, takde pulak Gradenia's chocolate & raisin bread. no bread pudding for berbuka semalam.

harini, pergi ke Subang Parade, nak beli roti & butter.

masuk Cold Storage and got stuck at the entrance, depan Sushi King.

Parkson buat sale Corning, Corelle & Pyrex. 40%!

aduh ... hovering, picking up and putting down the items ... hmmm  ... i don't have Corning's 5L casserole bowl  ... but i do have other brands at home, takyah lah.

but i do not have any Pyrex pie dish. so i bought 2 28cm-width deep pie dish and a 500ml measuring cup.

then i went to buy my bread & butter. yeay! they have Gardenia's chocolate & raisin bread.

now ... cari resipi ... method paling senang nak buat bread pudding.





hmm... chocolate bread pudding for berbuka ... yum! not only for me but for the whole family ... tonight, we're having guests too.

i miss you ... i don't know why ... have u been thinking of me? have you? maybe not. i know you're busy with work. see you later when you come home.

Lift - Shannon Noll



every time i hear this song and watch the programme, i cry. i know how they feel, what they have gone thru before, during & after the programme, i know all the pain they have gone thru and i am also happy that they finally achieved their dream.





Proud - Heather Small

menu hari ini

menu berbuka:

berbuka: kurma & sirap
main dish: kwayteow goreng
kuih: poli ubi
dessert: buah2an - pisang berangan, jambu batu @ mangga lemak

nak makan simpleje hari ni ...

i need something to focus on ... no more thinking about babies.

my hormones have gone haywire already.

i need to be happy & accept things as they are. i am. it's the people around me that keep reminding me that it's not normal ... ****!

Mothercare

yup ... babies.

today we went to Mothercare to buy a gift for a friend's new baby.

on the way out, we bumped into my cousin and his wife.

as we came closer to greet them ... i heard the wife saying ...

'eh, beg mothercare! beli apa? kan takde anak.'

*sigh*

this is the same person who said ... 'asyik dukung anak orang ajer, bila nak dukung anak sendiri?' 8 years ago.




how the h*** am i suppose to be ok about not having kids when others just won't let the issue go?

aaarrrgghhhhhh .... nasib baik bulan puasa ... jaga mulut ...


'oh, ni hadiah utk anak kawan ....'





my mood was affected the whole day ... i cried in the car ... kesian hubby ... he was speechless.

hari ni dlm kesakitan. angin seluruh badan. tak sendawa @ buang angin langsung kecuali lah masa diurut oleh bidan tadi. selepas berbuka ... sessi kumpul angin lagi! huhuhu

air halia & hotwater bottle mampu mengeluarkan satu sendawa aje ... badan sengal, perut kembung, dada senak ...

kalau tak baik esok ... ke doctorlah saya nanti .....

forgiveness

it's not whether you forgive someone or not ...
but do you forgive yourself for forgiving that person? moving on?



now i get it.


Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. ~Suzanne Somers

discomfort

it feels like the last three days has been going down hill eversince.

today woke up with a jabbing pain in my left abdomen.

as the day grew older, the pain worsens.

now, i can't even sit straight ....

when i lie down, i have to lie on a pillow to ease the discomfort and pain.

help will be coming on friday morning.

tukang urut @ bidan will be coming to ease my pain. she predicts it is angin.

another 33hrs to go :o(

Ya Allah ....

Ya Allah Ya Tuhanku ....

Ya Allah ....



ampunilah dosaku.
bantulah hamba kerdilMu ini dalam memelihara imannya.

Ya Allah Yarabbi a'lamin.

i don't think i have insomnia but i find myself wide awake at night ... blogging, FBooking or watching cartoons, comedies, Fox or AXN channels.


i should be asleep.


my mind keeps tellimg me to go to bed ... but i don't.


to bed my dear flesh & soul.

i praise Allah for sending me you my love ....



i miss you.

see u in 2 days time.





it took me quite some time to realise the treasure that Allah has given me. forgive me. i'm yours for the rest of my life.

an hour ago, i lost my temper    :o(

i shouldn't have but i did.

who got it?

my mother's maid.

she was asking for it and i had been patient long enough.

eversince she came back from her 1month break, she came back with a cocky attitude.

i had given her several light warnings but tonight she tested my patience and she got what she deserved. an earful of sisterly scolding!

honestly ... i don't feel so good or proud of myself right now. i know i could've handled it a lil bit better but i lost it.

all i can do now is hope for a better tomorrow.

maybe i'll stay away from the house a day or two. duk rumah mak lelama can be stressfull when you know you've left your own home unattended  walaupun seronok bila bersama dgn mama & abah.




nak balik ....

feeling bummed out ....


feeling abit unstable ... got to get things under control!

quick, sya!

sinusitus (?) flu

one sneeze during sahur ... i came down with flu today.

at first it was like a sinus attack ... byk sgt sambal belacan sya duk makan 2-3 hari ni.

then it got worse into a full-blown flu.

i sneezed and now i ache.

am so bored today.

7th day

pejam celik ... dah 7 hari ek ...?



so, have i lost some weight? gained?

takut nak check hehehe



abah sya naik 2kg just after 4 days of puasa ...and that happened to a man who exercises every day!

taknaklah check ... sah naik nya hehehe

bummer!

ni lah dia.

kalau che abang takde. out of town.

mulalah sya takleh tido.

*sigh*

kalau duk rumah sendiri, boleh mengemas ...

duk rumah mak .... kemas mana yg dibenarkan ajer lah hehehe







hmm... if he ever goes 1st ... i'll have a big problem of sleeping then ....

alhamdulillah

Allah sungguh Maha Menyayangi.

i lost a 'good friend' recently.

no, she didn't passed away.

she dumped me. she has her reasons which i know none of.

we were best friends. on a usual day we were the best of friends and the next day, she just doesn't want to talk, reply my calls or textes, or see me.

i asked what have i done wrong, if i had done any ... she said none and yet i get the silent treatment.

even a blonde can figure it out. i was dumped.

sakit hati. sedih. rindu. marah. geram. bersalah (entah kenapa sya rasa bersalah, mcm lah ada buat silap tapi tak tahu apa dia. kalau ada, bgtahu lah kan?) hairan. kesian. kesal. all the emotions that i went thru and still do for the last 9months trying to figure out what went wrong and why i was treated as such.

i'm finally learning to let go. walk away.

Allah helped me.



this quotation also helped me:


Richard Templar: friendships change ~ there's no reason to feel guilty or resentful towards your friends when life takes you in different directions.


hilang seorang kawan ... ramai yg datang ... not to replace but to help me move on.

alhamdulillah. Sya bersyukur Allah menemukan Sya dgn kawan2 lama dlm FB and juga kawan2 baru :o)

i am moving on.

thank you for being my friend.

to J, i won't wait but i know one day the truth will come out.

my blogs

if i am not mistaken, i think there are only 6 people who know the existence of my new blog.

maybe i'll inform a few more but for now ... you are my only audience. i will soon hide this blog.

even hubby doesn't know my url but he now knows i've started blogging again. sorry, abang ... not for the time being. i know you're itching to know what i've written hehehe

why the secrecy? it's not really a secret. it's just personal.

this blog (right now) is abit more personal than my previous ones.

i am writing with me in mind and only for me to read. it's not a blog blog but a diary (for now).

to those i've let known, i'm letting you into my private thoughts, my insights, my emotions, my 'shindings' (?) or whatever that is going on in my life or thru my mind & heart.

i need focus. if i let many in, i'll start writing for an audience. right now, i am only writing for me. period.

i want to document what i remembered, felt or saw. my humiliations, my achievements ... my sorrow and happiness ... everything, insyaAllah.

i am sharing this with you  :o) and i do welcome you to read & to leave your comments if you want to.


thank you.

my signature!

now i know .... & now i have my own!  :o)


alhamdulillah ... learned a new thing tonight.

breaking the cycle

i think i've broken the cycle.

so far, i've ben eating what i want thru my mom's cooking. we make requests and she makes them. well ... not as straight forward as that. she'll make it if she agrees to it. she has the final say to the day's menu but we're free to add anything we want as long as it fits the menu.

well today i wanted baked pasta. i haven't made it for years and mom gave the green light.

the last time i made it was like 8 years ago. i've lost the recipe but i did browsed the net to get an idea of how to do it.

there are so many recipes - baked macaroni and baked pasta are two different recipes.



made it but forgot to take a pic of it. my youngest brother & family came to bteak fast with us. they said it as ok *phew!*

i think it turned out quite ok but it did need a lil more salt, an egg less and abit more curry powder.

other than that, i am one satisfied maam! puas hati dapat makan apa yg sya nak makan.

:o)   can you see me smile? hehehe




ok, back to breaking the cycle.

since i made what i wanted to eat, i ate less of what was on the table. not that i ate alot of what i made but it was like my famishness (is that a word?) reduced.


or is it because of pre-pms? hmm...

tetiba teringat 1st pi Umrah dgn hubby.

we went with my parents during the 1st week of fasting month. 2 of my aunts and a cousin came with us too.

we'd always break fast in the mosque. hubby would find a place for both of us to sit and break fast together. my parents break fast separately because they don't want to miss their praying space. my mom would break fast with my aunties, my dad with his nephew.

it was like a honeymoon for us then... romantic berbuka di masjid paling agung, Masjidil Haram.




but, thinking back about it right now. i guess we were abit selfish. too eager to be together when we had family with us.

*sigh*

a learning lesson for me ... now.

happiness can be and should be shared with others, especially with our parents.

life is short to spend it alone or just the 2 of us.





remember that!

failed again ... masih menambah nasi masa berbuka huhuhu

5th day posa ... asyik makan je. ish ish ish ....




how to lose abit of weight mcm ni ...?






bersahur dirumah sendiri for the last 2 nights ... aik? just a pot of rice between us two and even that there's some more left. if we were at my parents, we'd be eating more!

Karachi, here we come!

Hubby finally made final bookings on our tickets. He called up MAS just to make an inquiry and just his luck, he managed to get cheaper tickets by RM1k!

We'll go over to the ticketing counter tomorrow to make payments and then we're set, Eid Mubarak in Karachi, Pakistan.

Why are we going there?

My sis-inlaw is married to a Pakistani. She has been living there for as long as I have been married and more. The last several years, my SiL will take her mom there to take care of her during fasting month. My MiL has diabetes and she needs someone to take care of her food & meds during this special month. Furthermore, my SiL & her family will always open their house for terawih for our Malaysian students & citizens who are living in Karachi. Mak mertua Sya dapat lah bersolat terawih. Kalau duk di kampung, dia tak dapat nak pergi ke madrasah.

We'll be there for about 11 days. I hope I do get to do some shopping  ....








rasanya sya akan rindu sangat2 family sya ... but i get it. kalau raya disini, hubby plak rindu family dia and he is always with my family. so to be fair, we're going to Karachi to be with his family. i'm gonna miss my nephews so much! Aiman & Qaed's 1st raya with us. huhuhu

me, a cook? a wannabe one .. yes!

ada kawan kata sya pandai masak ....

*sigh*

kalau sya pandai masak ... takde la sya fobia nak masak!

nak tahu? jintan manis & jintan putih pun sya takleh nak bezakan tau!

tapi sya suka makan. sya suka ambik tahu ttg resipi lauk pauk @ hidangan yg sya makan.

setakat masak nak makan untuk hidup boleh la ... nak menjamu ... aishhh ... 10x fikir nak masak apa. siap panik ada ler.

sya jarang memasak. lagi2 la kalau ada weight problem.

doctor pernah nasihat sya jgn masak & makan byk sgt. ada ke?!

sya cakaplah ... doc, saya masak apa yg saya suka makan, tentulah sya akan makan ap yg saya masak ...!

whateverlah ... yg penting sya boleh masuk dapur, masak utk hubby & sya utk hidup. sya boleh juga masak utk family sya makan. nak menjamu & impress people ... takde la ... i'd have a panic attack 1st b4 i cook anything!

you know the saying  ... Practice makes perfect? i disagree.


i think ...

practice reduces mistakes & enhances competency and skill.

esok berbuka dirumah sendiri.

nak masak apa ek ...?

tepuk dada, tanya selera ... rasa macam nak makan kuih lapis. rasa macam nak makan asam pedas daging. tapi semuanya belum pasti. kena tanya suami gak ... apa dia nak utk berbuka.

apa lagi ek ...?

Alhamdulillah ... puasa hari ke-3 kami berbuka dengan makanan kegemaran sya - Nasi Kerabu & Lepat Pisang Emas.

Alhamdulillah, sya masih boleh berpuasa & berbuka bersama ibubapa sya.

Alhamdulillah, adik2 sya dah ada anak, abah mama sya dah ada cucu2.

Alhamdulillah, walau takde anak, suami sya masih sayang sya, setia & bersama. 12 years & hopefully going on stronger.

Alhamdulillah, walaupun tak kaya, masih ada hutang, sya dibenarkan suami tak bekerja, layan/jaga family sya & family dia, dapat buat business kecil2an, diizinkan mengajar part-time ... sebenarnya ... sya diizinkan utk bermalas ... hehehe ... alhamdulillah. bermalas utk kerja 9-5 je. kerja2 lain sya buat ... sape kata sya duk goyang kaki? alhamdulillah, tak!

come to think of it ... banyak lagi yg sya boleh bersyukur ... tapi setakat ni lah dulu.

sometimes ... always ... i see a pattern in what or how i write. i see the same in others too. it's just how we are. how our minds think, how our emotions reason things out and how we convey/portray ourselves to ourselves and others.

really ... this is my observation ... on me, not you.

sometimes ... most times, i realise i write or talk about pretty much about the same thing. me, my family, my hubby, my yearning to be a mother, to have a baby and how much i love to eat & cook. when i reread my entries i see that i whine most of the time. really. don't you wanna smack me? i do!

well, today will be a different entry.

an entry on gratitude.

it's something different. i hope i can do it.

but ... let me plan abit on it ... ok?

see you later with a new entry, Sya.




now pi solat terawih!

blogroll

alamak ... sya belum selesai lagi buat blogroll sya ...

malasnyaaaaaa.

He knows best and what is right for us, right... ?

ada lah hikmahNya kan kami takde anak?

we might never be this strong or together if we had children ... or maybe we might just break up after we have one ....? we'll never know or guess what could happen.

we (or maybe just me) should just keep trying and accept things positively.



sometimes ... it's just hard ... you know? just being there, in the middle of it and still now have any. so close yet so far ....



be calm my dear heart, no tears.








sya, bersyukurlah ada anak2 sedara. 3 handsome nephews! nasib baik & bersyukur adik2 sya ada rezeki utk ada anak & abah mama ada cucu utk dicurahkan kasih. takde gambar anak sendiri, ada gambar anak2 sedara pun jadilah ... Qaim, Aiman & Qaed kan kebanggaan & buah hati sya :o)

Ramadhan 2010

baru hari kedua ... rasa macam dah 10hari berpuasa!

1st day puasa ok ... tapi selepas terawih ... waduh, ngantuk sgt2! terus tido. penat sgt rupanya.

malam ni ok pulak ... badan dah terima keadaan kut.



hmm... niatnya nak lose a kilo or 2 if not more ... tapi dua hari ni ... pulun nasi ... adeh .... get a grip on things sya!


kena plan betui2 nih ....

raya di mana?

hmm... as i get older, i find myself getting more & more petrified of flying. most times i would fall asleep before taking off & landing. i think it is my survival mechanism kicking in. when i sleep, i don't know what's happening.

so what's flying got to do with raya?

hubby's been trying to get tickets to fly to Karachi for eid with his mother & sister.

i love going to Karachi, it's the flying that i dread :o(

sedap makan oooo ..... hehehe

tapi .... mana boleh shopping, kedai tutup :o(   i need to stock up on my cotton fabrics. aisehmannnn....

wokeh ... Karachi, here we come ... InsyaAllah, kalau dapat ticket yg affordable.

nafsu makan nya pasal ...




3/4pot beras sedang dimasakkan ... nak dimakan dengan serunding daging yg baru dibawa balik dari kampung ....



lapar la ....

i learned an interesting cooking technique from my SiL.

it was her late aunt's way of cooking curry or any dish that requires coconut milk.

other than onions (grinded), she would ground the spices, shave the coconut & ground ciliboh and mixed all these together before the squeezes the coconut milk. therefore, the coconut milk becomes infused with all the spices & cili. after the last strain, she adds the grinded onions and cook on a small fire ... frequently stirring ... it's called, masak secara raja berangkat. cook on a small fire and make sure it doesn't boil up.

one of these days, i'll try this technique ....

pukul berapa nak tido ah ?

esok last day sebelum posa (bunyi mcmlah posa selamanya! isk ...)

nak makan apa ek?



teringin sangat nak makan nasi kerabu ...

nak buat? alahai ... remehnyaaaaa nak buat.

lupa lagi...

dah selasa dah. sya ingatkan hari ahad!

alamakkkk ....

7th August 2010

• started our journey at 6pm, arrived at MiL's home at 2.30am (8th August).
• revelation - too old for long distance driving! ngantuk giler sepanjang jalan! kesian hubby, he was really exhausted.

9th August 2010

• sent MiL & SiL to the airport for their 9.15am flight to KL to Karachi.
• went to my grand-dad's home at 11am. filled up our new car's boot with everything my mom needed for ramadhan ... you name it ... ubi keledek, ubi 'keling', kelapa, gula nissae, rambutan, buah dokong, serunding daging & ayam, budu 3 dozen dan macam2 lagi!
• left Pasir Mas at 12.30pm and reached home at 8.45pm.
• sakit ...sakit ... too old for these long distance driving.

• after sending all the things to my parents' home, we went back to our home and what did we do? ngadap the idiot box & laptop!
• gian! hahahaha
• sad, ain't it? huhuhu

We're going home!

We're going back to KB tomorrow ... morning? afternoon? evening ....? Depends on what time hubby and sis-inlaw will wake up. Depends on what time I'll wake up too hehehe

SiL just arrived this morning from Karachi. She's running her errands around Klang Valley with her aunt. We met up for lunch just now.

Hubby will be home from Sarawak after 10pm. That is one dead tired man.

We're going home for 2 reasons.

One, for a wedding.

Two, taking my SiL home to her mother. She's taking my mother-inlaw to Karachi for fasting month & eid.

My MiL needs someone to take care of her during this special month because of her diabetes. I'd love to take care of her but she'd say our house is too close to her home (KL vs KB?) and she'd rather be in KB than in KL. So the solution is to take her far far away from her home ... hence, Karachi!

Hubby's mentioned it several times and I wonder if it'll come true ... eid in Karachi? woohooo! hehehe

am excited to see my friend's new & special signature for her entries in her blog.

i wonder how she did that ....

nak kena godek blogspot lah mcmni ....

meds ...

i think my new meds are making me emotional.

prof did say it's estrogen pills.

hmm... kembali 'wanita' kah saya?

haiiish ....

it's just one of those days .... sad.

called my ex-housemate today.

Ramadhan is just around the corner and i miss the old Uni days.

that's why i called her.

she sounded abit off. i guess i caught her at an awkward time.

as i tried to end the call quickly, trying not to take up much of her time ...

her last question made me sad.

'sya, bila lagi? ' bila lagi apa? 'bila lagi nak ada anak?'


terdiam sya.


ntah la, Z. takde rezeki....


Z knows for a fact i've had several miscarriages but the way she asked was as if i wasn't trying hard enough.

her question made me very sad.

i guess no one understands ... or knows .... anything about me.