will i or won't i?

2010 is coming to an end.

about a month and a half away from my 38th birthday, 8 months away from our 13th anniversary ... then the whole cycle starts again.

for 12 years plus we've been trying to have a baby. we tried. i tried. if i could only tell you all the pain and joy we had through those years.

the 1st few years, we were very hopeful. i miscarried once back then.

somewhere in the middle ... we were heartbroken. we kept on trying but with less zeal ...

the last few years ... our faith were reignited by the presence of three handsome nephews. such gems!

about 2 months ago, our doctor asked the big question. when are you going to do the ivf? i was alone at this appointment and i just decided on a whim, december.

on the way home ... i was overwhelmed with emotions and questions. am i ready? are we ready? do i want to go thru the procedure? will it be ok? will i be able to endure the pain? will we have a healthy baby? so many more questions.

since then, there have been many 'discussions' regarding the procedure. i would tell him how i felt, all the frustrations i've been keeping, my concerns etc ... all on the table for him to understand and for me to feel better and move on.

thru my eyes, present emotional state ... i see my husband only as a donor. as of today, i know and he has expressed it several times, he wants to do the ivf. he wants a child but as he is so absorb in his work, he has not voiced out any concern or wonder about the procedure. he hasn't even bothered to ask how i felt or what i want. how do i tell him? thru our 'discussions' and the less civilised way - my outbursts.

in the last few weeks there have a few outbursts ... all of them mine. my concerns, my hopes & disappointments ... all on the table, on many tables! he listened, he seemed to be. i hope. but not much response or words of encouragement came from him. it's ok. that is how he is. a man of few words. a man who doesn't know what to say to comfort his wife. i know him very well.

but honestly, on most times, i feel like i am in this alone. in one of my outburst, out of frustration ... i said ... might as well you pack me up with a supply and post me to the doctor & ivf clinic!

was it fair for me to say so? NO! but i needed him and he wasn't there for me. [sad, disappointed, upset, alone, frustrated]

it turns out, he had a bad day. huh! he has bad days, every single day! this was my day. mine. be there for me as i have always been there for him.

after several outbursts and discussions, i find myself hoping again. excited with the possibilities of being a mother. i was looking forward, excited, but terrified of the procedure, and hopeful that our time has come to be parents.

but as of last night, i am not sure anymore if i want to go thru the procedure. i am heartbroken. i was so hopeful the last few weeks but now ... am not. i was a fool to believe that i could have a baby. i am a fool in hoping again. what happened in the last few weeks and yesterday, made me realise something.

somewhere in the middle towards the last few months, i had given up on ever having a baby. i know i told people i hadn't but actually i did. maybe i was in denial too. denying that i had given up.

but the last 2 months, several people managed to make me hope again. i was excited and hopeful again. i felt great. if only you could understand or imagine how i feel. i can only tell you that i was happy again. i have never felt that happy or hopeful in a long long time.

but yesterday, my hopes were all dashed & trampled on byt the same several people who pumped up my hopes. i hate you for doing this to me. i blog with tears and they haven't stopped since yesterday evening. i am very sad, unhopeful and angry. 

i am a fool for believing that i had a chance. i have hurt myself ... again ... by being hopeful. life was much easier when i had given up.now i hate myself even more!