i give up ...

a few months ago, Oprah was discussing with Suzanne Sommers on bio-identical hormone treatments. that caught my attention.

my infertility doctor asked the big question ... when to do the ivf? i took the plunge. let's try in december. 

then, my 'tukang urut' who is also a mid-wife, told me about a doctor who is treating patients with hormone problems. now i am interested.

i went to see the doctor. blood tests were done. consultations. ongoing massages.

progesterone very low, estrogen very high - hence, the prolonged menses & the D&C in January.

i was given progesterone cream to apply every night for a month. i have a week left to go.

slowly but surely i felt some changes.

i felt good inside. sunny, bubbly & happy. i slept well & better. less mood swings. skin looking better.

i started to yearn again ... which was nada for years!

*lightbulb!*
could i? would it be possible? do we have a chance?

i started to hope again. i began to feel excited. i pray that He answers our prayers. hubby got excited too.

all this started early October until yesterday.





yesterday...

i called my 'tukang urut' to ask for tips on how to look after myself, just in case 'lekat'. who knows?

want to know what she said?

why don't you postpone the procedure? it's expensive and you're still on treatment. akak & doctor have been discussing and we think so ... bla bla bla

apparently, she & the doctor have been discussing my 'case'.

i was appalled! how dare they!

ok ... i know they meant well. i know they have my best interest at heart. but they crossed the line! they want to discuss about me, go ahead BUT I DO NOT WANT TO KNOW ABOUT IT! where the hell is the doctor-patient confidentiality? we are not friends! i am just seeking your professional service & treatment.

suggestions, advices, treatments ... i accept but telling me what you've discussed or gossiped about ...hell no!

for the 1st time in 8 weeks, i lost hope, confidence ... everything in having a baby again.

there is no smile on my face today ... just tears running down my cheeks as often as the conversation comes back to mind.

i know deep in my heart they meant well but they broke my heart too.

i believe Allah will give if He wants to despite my treatment whatsoever. they have no right to say when i will be ready. but now ... i don't think i'll ever be ready.

 sedih sangat2!